Intentional Self-Infliction of Emotional Distress

Moving Day!

2009-09-16T12:10:00.001-05:00

Hear ye, hear ye! "Self-Infliction" heeded the words of the Great Owl and has moved its house to the lee of the stone. No, Jenner, you are not invited.

So what this really means is that D and I now have a new joint blog (http://thedavisfirm.blogspot.com/), which incorporates all your past "Self-Infliction" and "Paperless Mache Project" favorites! We've got Baylor Law Hogwarts! We've got Baby Sasquatch! We've even got D's post from just this morning, and the post you are reading right now! Trippy!

So update your readers and blogrolls, kiddies--there's a (kinda) new game in town.

SFW: Stout Claim, Wendy's

2009-09-16T09:24:00.003-05:00

Seems like we're due for an SFW (Scenes From Waco) installment. I've got a camera phone now, so hopefully we can keep them rolling.

At left observe Wendy's promise to satisfy all prior failings with their Boneless Buffalo Wings. At least 19 suicides in the Waco area have been attributed to this sign, most notably among married men.

"Cougar Town"--Worst Six Flags Area Ever

2009-08-24T16:36:00.003-05:00

I had my surgery on Thursday, so plenty on that later (no gross photos, though). But right now I think it's important that we recognize the depths to which the lowest common denominator has sunk, at least from the perspectives of television excutives.

This fall Courtney Cox stars in a new ABC sitcom entitled "Cougar Town." Leave aside for a moment the fact that the show already sounds like the kind of ill-concieved amusment park idea you might expect from Dan Halen of Squidbillies fame. Aren't we a little bit insulted that ABC would call a show about a Cougar soccer mom something for excruciatingly obvious. Why not "On the Prowl" or something? It's like they don't expect us to comprehend the concept of a show unless it's parsed out to us in an idiotic title. "Hey Joe Bob, what's that new show about?" "I don't really know, Ray Don, but it's something to do with cougars!"

Worse yet, even the show's remedial hooked-on-phonics name leaves ambiguity for some people. "Cool, a whole town run by wild cats! It's like Parks and Recreation meets Grizzly Man!" I kid you not, this is a problem. This summer at the DA's office we had a rather flamboyant defendant who walked a pair of cougars around NYC in the early 90's (before Rudy cleaned the place up). Several well-heeled attorneys asked, straight faced, if these reports meant big cats or skanky over-40 women after fresh meat. Cougar Town is the state of the union, people, and that's a scary thought. I hope the show's funny, though. Courtney Cox has really floundered after Friends.

Straight From the Bog

2009-08-11T20:13:00.010-05:00

A brief foray into the world of advertising. Ocean Spray has been running ads for a while that feature a quirky father and son team of cranberry growers. The ads are pretty funny and emphasize the fresh, "from the grower to you" flavor of Ocean Spray products. But I just noticed today the tagline which accompanies these fun little vignettes--"Straight From the Bog." Really?

Yes, I know cranberries come from a bog. They grow on little bushes, and eventually the farmer floods the bog so that the loose, ripe berries float into a collection area. But when I hear the words "Straight From the Bog," I don't think about delicious cranberries. I think of 5000 year old dead bodies, smoky Irish peat fires, feces, and the Bog of Eternal Stench from The Labyrinth. "Smell Bad!"

I mean, I get it. The tagline is funny because people make these kind of associations. But do you really want to remind potential customers that your food product comes from a swampy malarial marshland? Seems like a bad idea, yet according to Ocean Spray it's one of the best ad campaigns ever. Go figure. Maybe average folks don't know that bogs aren't just where the cranberry guys live. Read to your children!

Grounded In Dallas County Jail - No Friends or TV Privileges

2009-08-07T09:34:00.005-05:00

We've got some criminal justice-minded folks reading the blog these days, so I though ya'll might be interested in this bit o' news out of Dallas. Apparently the Dallas PD picked up a 13 year old girl for shoplifting, the girl used a fake name and DOB to identify herself as 17 years old, and she ended up spending 13 days in jail.

Certainly this is a screw up, but what else were the police supposed to do? The girl didn't have ID, she told the cops she was 17, and her parents didn't come looking for her for almost two weeks. Sure the police could have investigated further, but where else were they supposed to check? Her barcoded ID # tattoo? It seems like the cops are going to catch a bunch of flak for something that they couldn't really prevent. If the girl was going to lie about her name and age, she was going to lie about any other evidence that could have led to the truth (address, parents names, etc.)

Health Care at 'I' Level

2009-08-06T11:07:00.004-05:00

As the health care debate becomes more politicized, it’s been instructive for me to step back from the party line, abandon the view from 30,000 feet, and zero in on a little personal experience. Many of my Facebook friends and twitter follower know that I’ll be undergoing surgery later this month for a cholesteatoma in my right ear. As JT has aptly pointed out, my particular situation presents an interesting opportunity for discussion—what if I didn’t have insurance?

The procedure to correct my problem is a mastoidectomy/tympanoplasty. This thing isn’t going to be cheap anyway, but D and I have good coverage through her job. Where would we be if we didn’t? The surgery is necessary, but not “emergency care.” So I couldn’t go to ER, which is required to treat everyone even if they can’t pay. Maybe some sort of charity clinic would see to my troubles, or some church fund. But my condition isn’t life threatening without years of neglect, and surely someone with cancer or something would take priority. No, I think we’d be stuck saving up for years, and letting my ear and hearing deteriorate until we could to afford to pay the “down payment” on hospital bills. You can go on a payment plan, of course, but without insurance you have to pay at least some of the money up front. And that’s just the hospital and anesthesiologist. Most doctors won’t even see you without full payment for the visit.

I think the final product of my musing is that everyone needs some kind of health coverage. And its not just coverage for them, it’s coverage for us. Just as mandatory auto insurance laws have reduced the cost of insurance for us responsible folks who maintain coverage, universal coverage (especially for preventative care) would bring down all our costs. On this point I should be completely clear. I still think that government has no place in the insurance business. Necessary arm’s length regulation, sure, but not a “public option” or “single payer” system. We just have too much historical experience to allow the government screw up another industry more than it already has. Obama offers up a public option as “competition” and “accountability.” Yet we know that such a heavily subsidized and bureaucratic entity will artificially lower prices (without concern for the other side of the balance sheet, since we taxpayers will be funding it) to the point that private insurers can’t keep up. It’s simply a back door to government run health care, be it today or in ten years.

So, loyal readers, what are our options for universal coverage without a public insurance agency? Mandatory coverage laws? Somehow divorcing coverage from employment?

The New Cold War – Battle of the Beefcake

2009-08-05T11:04:00.006-05:00

After yesterday's conversation, I couldn't resist posting this hilarious piece on Russian President Vladimir Putin. Perhaps many readers have seen it linked from Drudge, but the video is priceless.

Sure, Obama had his Tiger Beat worthy beach photo, but at least we don't have to watch him ride horses bare chested or swim in Tuva. I wonder if ol' Vlad had the chance to enjoy any world famous Tuvan Throat Singing, since he was already in the neighborhood oppressing folks and tightening his iron death grip on the far-flung Russian proletariat.

The Apotheosis of Obama

2009-08-04T10:46:00.006-05:00

Apotheosis is what has always scared me the most about Obama. In our system of checks and balances, even in times of one party rule the damage a single president can do is somewhat limited. We lost the election fair and square, so as president the Big O has the prefect right to propose and execute policies that might be hairbrained, doomed to fail, or even catastrophic. I was prepared for all that before the first ballot was cast, and I've (mostly) made my peace with it. But deification is what really terrifies me, what really has the potential to undermine the way we do business in the US of A.

We've always made our political figures out to be larger than life, or at least they make themselves out to be. But we generally reserve the most blatant aggrandizing of a president for after their term is up. George Washington might be the most notable exception, but by all accounts he shunned self-promotion and was beatified by others. Lincoln, too, was noted for his self deprecation. Perhaps this is part of what we loved best about these Presidents. Long story short, we've just never really gone in for the Cult of Personality in America. When one of our president reaches immortal status, he's usually already dead.

Not so for Mr. Obama, the nation's first black president, the new Lincoln, the saviour of the nation. Even as he slips in the polls and loses support for key initiatives, the depth of devotion to this president continues to grow. Shouldn't it be more concerning that a president's perceived stature is divorced from his performance or success? Shouldn't we worry that in this country, in this time, something like the "bead mosaic" above appears in front of the White House? Don't let the caption fool you. Just because Obama or his staff didn't glue this bizarre portrait together themselves doesn't mean they didn't know it was coming. You don't get to set up a 7"x10" piece of plywood in front of the White House without permission. George W. Bush caught flack for landing on an aircraft carrier in a flight suit. Yet Obama gets a Mao-esque depiction in the nations capital, and we're not supposed to care? Just a little freaky, that's all.

SFW: Blank Inside

2009-08-03T09:59:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since we've had an installment of "Scenes From Waco," but the pic at left demonstrates that Central Texas remains rife with irony. This photo depicts the greeting card section at HEB under renovation. I've always thought that "blank inside" cards had a touch of ennui to them, but this is downright melancholy. Puts me in mind of Garfield Minus Garfield.

Top Five Worst Theme Songs for Teen Abstinence

2009-07-28T12:53:00.007-05:00

1. It’s Now or Never (Elvis Presley)
2. Can’t Fight this Feeling Anymore (REO Speedwagon)
3. Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon (Neil Diamond)
4. Sixteen Candles (The Crests)
5. Smells Like Teen Spirit (Nirvana)
6. Honorable Mention: Anything by those lying Jonas Brothers

Can you think of more?

Another Day Older...

2009-07-24T21:31:00.006-05:00

Birthdays, being regular occurrences, are always milestones. Often they are turning points and, when we are blessed, they are celebrations. Today I enjoyed all three attributes of birthdays. Twenty years ago today, my mother and I read together from A.A. Milne's book, Now We Are Six. Well, today we are twenty-six, and we couldn't be happier.

As Diana says, twenty-five may be the quarter century mark, but twenty-six is when you start rounding up. In terms of other benchmarks, sixteen may be the year you can drive, but seventeen is the year you really start figuring it out. Twenty-one is the year you can legally drink, but twenty-two is (hopefully) the year you learn that we need not settle for Keystone. What does it mean, then, to be twenty-six? Perhaps by this time, one is married to the love of one's life, and plans to start a family sooner than later. Perhaps one has purchased their first home, and delights in adding the touches that put the own in owning. Perhaps one has spent the summer learning their profession, and finding out that justice happens each and every day. And perhaps one can pause for a moment, glace around, and see twenty-six years worth of friends and loved ones walking right alongside. Such a one would be moved by the countless blessings he has been given.

I should mention that the title of this post is a reference to the song "Sixteen Tons," and the line "another day older and deeper in debt." Not only am I older today, but with help from the government we added to our considerable indebtedness by purchasing a 2010 Toyota Corolla LE. Better mileage and safety are only two of the many benefits, but more on the car later. No you may not drive it, but you may place an offer on the '91 Escort we still own.

What else did I do today? I cleaned the garage, and D and I went to the dump. We ate Chipotle, and saw Bruno. I answered about a million facebook messages, and Diana brought home delicious cupcakes. And of course, the gifts! Observe:

¡Más vacas! ¡Está muy loco!

2009-07-21T09:02:00.003-05:00

So my mom's other gigantic barnyard pet, Pearl the Cow, had her calf last night. The madness won't end! How am I supposed to eat this much beef? Oh wait...fajitas, brisket, burgers, sausage, prime rib, sirloin, ribeye, filet...the list just goes on!

This little girl's name is Daisy. As I said on the twitter, this new addition brings the total cute food quotient at Rancho Del Davis to an astounding 8.7 kilo-kittens (using the ALF scale). Seriously, though, we had hoped at least one of the two calves would be male so we could sell or eat it. At least that was the plan, but the way my mom keeps naming these animals (and the way I keep blogging about them) they're all going to end up as pets. Very hungry, expensive pets.

Baby Peg--The Cutest Little Chunk of Veal Ever

2009-07-15T15:43:00.004-05:00

If you saw my tweet/status update yesterday, you already know that I am an unlicensed large animal veterinarian, specializing in bovine neo-natal care. Translation: Sadie the cow had a calf up in Denton two nights ago, and I had to go out in the field to give it some shots and stuff.

I thought readers might be interested in a pic of baby Peg, as we're calling her, because she is super cute and probably delicious. Yes, she is a she, you sicko...the umbilical cord just hasn't fallen off yet.

Best Peg story so far is how I got fed up with trying to stick needles into her out in the dark pasture, so I distracted mama with some feed and stole her baby. I had gotten about 100 yards toward the brightly lit barn when Peg started flailing in my arms and mooing. Mama looked up from her feed bucket like she'd been shot and promptly charged my location. Imagine a rodeo clown trying to do his thing in short and flip-flops whilst also carrying 60 pounds of veal. Unlike this fellow, I got out unscathed. BBQ invitations are in the mail.

It Begins--With RoboMonkeys

2009-07-14T11:12:00.004-05:00

It begins today. Our long, slow descent into the Terminator future commenced yesterday in Pittsburgh. Mind control monkey cyborgs? Which bozo mad scientist thought this was a good idea?! I'm not surprised that "Sky News" broke the story, given that outlet's obvious connection to the SkyNet project. Researchers claim these devices will someday help stroke victims and quadriplegics. Yeah, help them and the machines overrun civilization and turn us into Duracells. I saw The Matrix too, evil monkeybots!

UPDATE: It's worst than I could have imagined--Upcoming Military Robot Could Feed on Dead Bodies! Good God!

What Sotomayor With You?

2009-07-13T07:48:00.005-05:00

Thus far I've held my tongue on Obama's first high court nomination, primarily because I'm not as well informed on these matters as I used to be. (Go ahead, ask me about the last two appointments when you've got some time to kill) But, since her confirmation hearings start today, I think it's time I had my say.

First off, Sotomayor's certainly not the worst nomination we could have expected from the Big O. Obama knows he'll have more appointments down the line, and he's saving his big caliber liberal ammo for those showdowns. She's liberal, but she's not some kind of San-Fran nutcase. To the contrary, by all indications she's someone with principled opinions I just happen to largely disagree with. Secondly, she's not even the worst replacement for Souter that we could have expected. She's far more interesting, and less creepy. the man lives in a remote woodland cabin, for God's sake! (the linked photo is the actual Souter abode--dungeon not pictured) And again, from her opinions, it looks like she bases her decisions much more on settled law than many conservative commentators would like us to believe.

However, where there's smoke, there's fire. Unlike some of my fellow right-wingers, I don't think that Sotomayor's infamous 2001 comment about a "wise latina" making better decisions than a stodgy old white guys is an apocalyptic omen of her future decisions. Most of the soundbites take the remark out of context and thus distort her meaning. But even if she meant what her supporters seem to say she meant, that racial diversity on the bench is necessary to reach fair decisions, are we OK with that? Doesn't this raise a valid question as to whether, as one pundit put it, she'll put her "thumb on the scale" for minority litigants? I think it does, and I hope she has a good response for the Judiciary Committee today. Especially with respect to the Ricci reverse-discrimination case.

If stodgy old white guys are incapable of rendering a truly fair decision because they lack a certain flavor of experience that being a poor latina brings, our judicial system is already up a creek. Taking Sotomayor's presumed view to its logical conclusion, only judcial race quotas can ensure that our courts issue the "wise" decisions. In the year 2009, shouldn't the law be able to recognize the positions litigants find themselves in without reference to their race, or the race of the judge? Maybe not out in bayou, but certainly in federal court. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic about a woman, and a latina to boot, on the Court. But to place her their because she's latina, or because she's a woman is antithetical to the rule of law. Yet it seems that Sotomayor supports exactly this type of affirmative action on and off the bench. Her 2001 Berkley speech isn't exactly a dealbreaker, but it let's us know what to expect from this and future Obama nominees.

PS-In the photo above, doesn't Judge Sotomayor look kind of like a cross between Hamad Karzai and Evo Morales? Probably just that weird smock thing she's got on--its like if your grandma crocheted a gown for an Cambridge don.

I Choose the Latter Option

2009-05-13T09:33:00.002-05:00

The actual performance starts at about 1:10. Ugh.

To Boldly Go Where Six TV Series, Ten Other Movies, and 9 Million Websites Have Gone Before

2009-05-07T21:43:00.008-05:00

Split infinitives aside, if you saw the twitter and Diana's post, you know my spacebride and I saw the new Star Trek flick tonight. I went in with two preconceptions: 1) Oh holy crap are they really going to retcon (precon?) such a huge, diverse, and fully awesome franchise? 2) I am going to write a crazy review post about this badass movie. Both of these preconceptions were shattered soon after the movie started--to write anything more would be the worst kind of spoiler.

I will say this, they young actors the producers rounded up to play the tried and true TOS characters were spectacular. I worried that at some point Spock would start cutting open people's heads and stealing their Hero powers, but logic held his emotions in check. Scotty was an easy favorite, but Chris Pine as Kirk was like watching Shatner 30 years younger and more talented. I don't think Pine speaks Esperanto, however. And I like that Chekov kid, he's got moxie. The dialogue was brilliant and hilarious in mostly Trek-appropriate ways. Like the best of the ST films, this one was laughs, suspense, heavy emotional themes, and cool future space stuff all wrapped up and shipped in a crate marked "Enterprise." Plus they finally gave old Fleet Captain Christopher Pike his due. A pilot and two-part clip show are no way to treat a Starfleet hero.

The movie couldn't have come out at a better time, either. I've been watching TNG episodes on Tudou.com, the Chinese version of YouTube. After revisiting my old favs, I started watching straight through from the beginning. Eventually I got to one about, I kid you not, a gigantic area of space "utterly devoid of matter and energy." For real, 45 minutes of "Captain, there's nothing there." "Check your sensors again Mr. Data." "Captain, there's nothing there." Look it up if you don't believe me. How I stayed awake, I don't know, but someday I'll be able to tell my geeky little grandkids about how I've seen every episode of Star Trek ever, mostly via Red Chinese copyright infringers. Engage!

Most Depressing Christmas Carols Ever

2009-04-29T15:50:00.004-05:00

Whilst neglecting my studies just now, I ran into this impressive mix of Nine Inch Nails songs performed to the tune of our favorite Christmas standards. Make sure to hang in there for "I hurt myself today, pa rum pum pum pum."

A Chilling Specter: Love to See Him Go, Hate to Watch Him Leave

2009-04-28T16:55:00.003-05:00

For years Arlen Specter has been a thorn in the side of conservative Republicans. I personally know hard-core pro-lifers who even stopped supporting Bush when he raised money for Specter in 2004. Frankly, a great many Republicans are pleased to see him leave the party, as he today announced he will to run as a Democrat in the 2010 Pennsylvania Senate race. After all, he did vote essentially as a Democrat over 40% of the time. But his departure is obviously a huge blow for Republicans in Pennsylvania and nationwide.

Much has been said already about the impact Specter's jump will have in the Senate. The Democrats now have a solid filibuster proof majority. Between retirements and primary challenges, it will likely grow by a seat or two this cycle. But this is a reality we've been dealing with for weeks and months. What concerns me most is the future trend this switch signals.

After our loss in November, pundits opined that the Republicans would split in twain, probably into a fringe right-wing and a moderate mainstream party. And everyone could agree, at least, that some major reworking was in order. What Specter's switch tells me, however, is that between Obama's tent pole popularity and the tarnished Republican brand, every moderate voice could be pushed from our ranks and into the Dems' waiting arms. If you don't believe me, take a look at Texas in the 80's. As Democrats found themselves to the right of their party core and felt the winds change, they jumped ship in droves. Our current joke of a governor is one such opportunist. The personal popularity of the Republican president was a major factor in these decisions, as was the far left's refusal to find a middle ground and give their candidates some political cover.

Today, the far right of our party refuses to accept reasonable solutions to the immigration problem. They label anything short of outright exodus “amnesty.” Some in our party have carried the banner of fiscal conservatism so far to the right any combination of “government,” “spending,” or “taxes” might as well be a four letter word. We've let ourselves be defined by a few ultra-polarized issues, like abortion, and shortchanged our immense collective wisdom on a host of other issues.

Who's next out the door? Anyone to the left of Attilla the Hun? And don't think it's not a witchhunt--our Texas governor's led the charge against “not Republican enough” legislators himself. In a couple election cycles we won't be a conservative coalition, just a few of nuts clinging to our guns and religion, and yammering about succession.

Robots That We've Known and Loved

2009-04-22T10:01:00.013-05:00

I got a new computer this week (I'll probably have more on that later), and it's got me thinking a lot about where technology will take us in the future. I mean seriously, how much longer do I have to wait for my hover car and robot butler?! In the interim, here's a list of the coolest fictional robots. Submit your own favorites in the comments.

Johnny 5
INPUT! What law student couldn't identify with this little guy? Plus he taught us important lessons about the nature of life, love, and why you don't piss off a sentient military prototype.

Data
He's positronically awesome. Case in point, this poker game. Why is he not a Fleet Admiral by now? He's got an emotion chip and everything!

Bender
"Je suis Napoleon!" But he's Mexican. Crazy robot!

Alphie II
In all candor, I learned half of the Kindergarten curriculum from this smiling, light-up teacher.

Optimus Prime
Yeah, bite that Megatron. You just got beat by a bunch of cars from the 80's. That's the worst car decade, except for the DeLorean. And it turns out that car actually sucks, too!

R. Daneel Ovilaw
It took a genius like Asimov to create a genius like Daneel. Read the books and you'll get where I'm coming from.

Critics Agree - Old TV Is Better Than New TV

2009-04-20T08:27:00.008-05:00

Just because it sounds like an Onion headline doesn't make it not true. Don't you hate it when a new show looks great in the ads, and then it bites? It seems like the networks tempt this phenomenon when they bill new shows like they're the next "Office" or "Family Guy." Inevitably, this comparison backfires when viewers realize, "Well that first show they mentioned is pretty good, but this new tripe just doesn't stack up." A couple of examples.

Parks & Recreation

NBC is rockin' the funny these days with shows like "The Office" and "30 Rock." So they tried to duplicate their success by combining the two. The recipe goes: "Mix one very funny SNL cast member, a talented ensemble cast, and an everyday situation ripe with hilarity. Pour into a long ago played out mockmentary format, and bake for 30 minutes. Yield: Horseshit." My fellow critics and I (mostly Diana and Justin) had high hopes for this show because it mocks the oh-so-serious-my-job-is-changing-the-world types in local government. But as Diana points out, "The Office" worked because most people have worked in an office environment. They get the characters and the irony, even if they don't laugh at every joke. In "Parks & Rec," though, the show fails to find a toehold of understanding with its audience. More people identify with the bitchy citizens at the town hall meeting than with Amy Poehler's zany city employee persona. She's almost forced to dumb down every line, and deliver all her own punchlines.

Sit Down, Shut Up

No, you shut up! FOX's newest addition to the Sunday night Animation Domination lineup is "Sit Down, Shut Up." This is yet another network's attempt to relive past glory by rehashing a winning formula. FOX has a whole stable of edgy cartoons, but "The Simpsons" is losing steam, "Family Guy" is too disjointed and left-wing preachy to pull in new viewers, "King of the Hill" is over the hill (and cancelled), and "American Dad" is struggling to find it's place now that it can't really mock Bush. (Brief aside, for someone who disagrees that the Simpsons are slipping, check out Justin's new 742 Evergreen Terrace blog. Another brief aside, I can't belive they already gave that self-righteous jerk Seth McFarlane two shows. And now he's going to get a Cleveland spin-off? Seriously, he's got Arianna Huffington playing a talking bear. Prediction: Crap.) After watching the pilot last night, all I can say is that "Sit Down, Shut Up" is a hamfisted attempt to replicate the humor of it's superior predecessor. Just because you have famous actors voice cartoon characters who make dirty jokes doesn't mean your show's going to be any good. The biggest disappointment is that reportedly the show comes from the "Arrested Development" producers (believable, since both Jason Bateman and Will Arrnett are in the cast).

I'm not going to get into the ridiculous promo's they've run for this stuff. My favorite is one for the new cop show "Southland," which the announcer tells us has been hailed as the "ER" of cop shows. That's an easy comparison, seeing as the show is by the producers of "ER" and in "ER's " old time slot. Are they even trying this year? Oh you know, what with the economy and all. The writers strike was better than this!

The only new show I've really enjoyed is a drama, "Kings." It's a modern interpretation of the King David story, replete with surprisingly well written Old Testament references. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but the show manages to find some very powerful moments somewhere on the line between completely ridiculous alternative history and overblown religious melodrama (i.e., "Left Behind"). Unfortunately, it looks like NBC has moved the show to a graveyard Saturday slot, which has got me riled. It's "Studio 60" all over again! The show's on Hulu, so I'll leave the rest to your own judgement.

Never, Ever Loan Me Your Car

2009-04-17T14:29:00.012-05:00

I am an excellent driver. I use my turn signals, I never rely on my mirrors alone, and I almost always obey the posted speed limit. Yet as of today, I have been in 6 accidents, none of them my fault. Seriously, not 24 hours after I registered Little Red down at the tax office, a Baylor undergrad cut me off and we swapped some paint. I'm ok, the car's ok--but my pride may be wounded forever. How did things get so bad?

Accident #1, Spring 2002

I'm driving my 1983 Oldsmobile Delta 88 southbound on Hulen in Ft. Worth. I come up to a red light, and try to stop. The brakes fail. SMASH! I've totally smeared the side of an old lady's Cadillac. Her airbags go off, bruising her arm and drawing blood. I'm technically at fault, even though it's a mechanical failure. I feel awful and vow to be the world's safest driver from now on.

Accident #2, Fall 2004

I'm headed to an intramural football game at the Peterbuilt fields, southbound on Bonnie Brae in my 1990 Civic DX. This car is so base model that it left the factory without a right-side rearview mirror. As I approach a blinking yellow light at the I-35 access road, I slow to about 25 mph. SLAM! This girl just off her shift at Sack-N-Save doesn't understand that when she has the blinking red, she has to yield to the traffic with the blinking yellow. Still doesn't believe that she's at fault even as the officer hands her a ticket. My driver's side headlight now points into the sky, and later that night somebody smashes in my back windshield. Coincidence?

Accident #3, Winter 2004

I'm driving north on Locust, approaching the Square just after 10pm when they switch the traffic lights to blink mode. Just as I get to Hickory, BAM! Another girl who didn't pay attention during drivers ed. You. Have. To. Stop. At. A. Blinking. Red. Light. I couldn't believe it'd happened again. As we exchange information, her passenger (a nervous little dude dressed like he's going to a Ramone's concert) overhears that I've called the cops to get a report. He gives the girl a hug and runs off full speed. Now both headlights point in odd directions, the whole front end is askew, and I've still got sheets of plastic and duct tape for a back windshield. Believe it or not, Diana and I went on our first date in this car.

2005-2007 I drive a 1995 Mazda Millenia until the transmission explodes. Great car, lots of features...and I never wrecked it!

Accident #4, Spring 2007

On a trip home from DC, I'm driving my mom's truck back from Diana's parent's in McKinney. Today, there is a stoplight at the intersection of Eldorado and Alma. Then, there was only a stop sign for the Alma traffic. As I move through the intersection, CRASH! Some Realtor on her cell phone decides that a Lexus should always get the right of way. Wrong! She's at fault, and the cop writes me a ticket for no insurance, even though it's my mom's car, she's got insurance, and I've got permission to drive it. I got the ticket dismissed, but then the Bar send me a nasty letter for not reporting it to Baylor, even though Baylor specifically told me not to report auto violations. Ugh. Also the only accident in which I've ever been injured--minor whiplash. I should have known something with AIG when they took forever to pay my chiropractor.

Accident #5, Summer 2008

I got to school one morning and realized I'd forgotten my briefs for Property. So I run back to the house to get them in the Isuzu. I'm chilling at the Valley Mills/Bagby light when CRUNCH! A big old Expedition slams into the rear of the car. Her hood is rumpled, and our tailgate is shot. When the cop shows up, it turns out the lady has insurance under an assumed name and listed her mom's address on all the paperwork. I e-mail the Fuse to tell her I'm not going to make it to class. Thankfully the insurance came through, and now the Isuzu sports a cool harlequin look.

Accident #6, Spring 2009

Yesterday, we transferred the title to Little Red into our name. Today, less than 24 hours later and within 3 blocks of the county tax office where you register title, this Baylor kid decides he needs to come over a lane without checking his mirror. I wasn't even in his blind spot, I was right next to him! But BANG! he's got a big red mark on his Cadillac. Lucky for him, the cost to fix my paint would be the total value of the car, but it's the principle of the thing! I freaked him out with some lawyer talk, grilled the people in his car for their info, and then told him I wasn't going to do anything. Mainly I was mad that I couldn't find the horn in the "new" car fast enough to lay on it after he tagged me.

I Want A Jet

2009-04-16T09:53:00.006-05:00

So last night D and I were talking about our backup plan if one of the cars dies. This is a serious issue, considering that Little Red's going to roll over 200K some time this summer. We were thinking about SUVs, commuter cars, and that kind of thing, but clearly the best option is a jet. I mean think about it: Want to go to Denton for the weekend? 30 minutes away. Quick trip to CA? 2 hours. No checking bags, no packing up the dogs. Just smooth sailing.

Crazy, you say? Let's look at it objectively.

Pro: Awesomeness.

Con: I can't fly an airplane and we'd probably die in a gruesome and terrifying fashion.

Pro: Automatic prestige.

Con: We don't have a bajillion dollars.

Pro: No security check-in lines.

Con: F-16s will shoot us down because I have no idea how to file a flight plan and was pretty much just planning on flying around whereever.

Pro: Gulfstream V--welcome to the goody room.

Con: I think they take your plane away if you drink scotch while flying.

See? Great idea.

TheoThursday: Maundy Thrusday and Transubstantiation

2009-04-09T21:17:00.005-05:00

Tonight Diana and I (and my sister Michelle visiting from Austin!) had the opportunity to experience something neither of us had ever seen before--a Maundy Thursday service. After witnessing this mysterious and beautiful litgurgy, I am amazed that I've missed out on it for all these years. We're all familiar with Holy Week and the events leading up to Jesus' death and resurrection. Palm Sunday and Easter are both joyous events that fall on a Sunday, so most Christians have experienced them both as a part of their regular church life. And I think most Christians are familiar with Good Friday, even though some denominations don't really observe the day. But Maundy Thursday is, unfortunately, often overlooked.

With all that this service commemorates, missing it as part of your Holy Week and Easter observance is kind of like playing Game 7 of the World Series without Games 2-6. On this day, Christ showed us servant leadership and as he washed his disciples feet and gave them his greatest commandment (or mandatum, from which we get the wordy maundy): "...love one another. Just I have loved you, you also should love one another." (John 13:34) On this day, Christ instituted a memorial to his coming Passion, the Eucharist or Communion, that we may celebrate salvation. And on this day, Christ was betrayed by someone he loved and trusted, and went willingly to his death on our behalf. Wow!

As the service started, the evening sun shone through the altar window at St. Alban's and beautifully illuminated an image of Christ the Lamb. But the sun set as the service ended and as the altar was stripped in preparation for Good Friday, and the light went out. I couldn't help but draw a parallel between the darkness in that window, and the darkness of Christ's betrayal. But just like on Good Friday, we can celebrate on this sad night knowing that it is really the beginning of the Easter miracle.

While we're on the subject of miracles, Jeff spoke tonight about the deep joy he finds in taking Communion (thanks to Maundy Thursday!), and it got me to thinking about my own Communion experience. Like everyone else, sometimes in church I'm tired, or stressed, or grumpy, or otherwise feeling less than Christ-like. I'll fidget in my seat, or my mind will wander during the readings. But without fail, after I take Communion every weight lifts from my shoulders and I return to my seat calm, satisfied, and happy. Dopey, smiley-faced happy. If I were Catholic, I might attribute this to the doctrine of Transubstantiation, the idea that the bread and wine actually become the flesh and blood of Jesus, which I ingested. But I'm not convinced that the Holy Spirit needs such mundane meta-chemistry to work. What say you, commentators? Do you agree with the Council of Trent, and believe in "that wonderful and singular conversion of the whole substance of the bread into the Body, and of the whole substance of the wine into the Blood." Or do you hold truck with Elizabeth I, who said that the doctrine "cannot be proved by holy Writ; but is repugnant to the plain words of Scripture, overthroweth the nature of a Sacrament, and hath given occasion to many superstitions?"

TheoThrusday: Classical "Virtue" and Gay Marriage

2009-03-26T13:51:00.003-05:00

I don't have much time today, but I did want to throw this one out there for comment. This isn't really a theological issue, but more of a moral/ethical one. We had a Federalist Society guest speaker today (Prof. John Baker of LSU) who argued the non-religious case against same-sex marriage. He relied primarily on classical notions of a virtuous society. Of course we all know how much classical society abhorred same-sex relationships (yeah right), but does the speaker have a point? Does a breakdown on marriage as a purely heterosexual concept threaten the fabric of society as we know it? I'm not a classical philosopher, so I'll leave it to better read minds to discuss.

Clark Kent Is A Poser

2009-03-25T13:47:00.005-05:00

As previously mentioned, I'm now on the Twitter. Well, it's already gotten me into some hot water. In a tweet this morning, I said that wearing my new glasses made me feel like "that Clark Kent poser." Apparently Mr. Kent has a more vociferous following than I've heretofore been led to believe. "How can you make fun of Superman?," they've asked, or worse, "How can you make fun of Christopher Reeve?"

First off, Christopher Reeve was a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude. He was a real life superhero, but not a superhero in real life. So get over that. Secondly, I make fun of Superman because that chump made fun of me. Superman didn't have to pretend to be a geeky reporter. He could have pulled a Bruce Wayne, and pretended to be a wealthy playboy. Or at least somebody cool. But instead, he decided to mock my way of life, and the way of life of millions of Geek-Americans, by portraying us in such an absurd light.

Let me speak more directly to the progenitor of this problem: Your glasses, Mr. Kent, may hide your identity from even your close friends, but they cannot obscure your selfish appropriation of my community's identity. For shame, sir. First you mock us with your poserosity, and then you add insult to injury. Did you have to draw such a stark contrast between your way awesome super-persona and your "mild mannered" alter ego? Do you care how deeply that offends us? Do you even know any mild mannered people? Cut the BS, Kent, Superman, Kal-El, whoever you are. Don't wrap us up in your external locus of self problems.

Huh?

2009-03-24T09:00:00.005-05:00

I'm not usually one to mock Student Government, because Lord knows they're trying. And I did plenty of lame stuff when I was in SGA. But the "news" e-mail I got from the Baylor SG this morning was priceless. They went on for a bit about all their accomplishments this year on campus, and some of the fun events they held, all in a Headline>Blurb>Link to Story kind of format. This is the one that caught my eye:

STUDENTS WEAR BLINDFOLDS FOR DISCUSSION Approximately 100 students sported blindfolds for the 2nd Annual Blinded diversity discussion in Barfield Drawing Room. Conversation at the event centered on diversity topics ranging from race and ethnicity to sexuality. Seven professors from different academic departments prompted conversations with blindfolded students about various opinions and policies related to each topic. [FULL STORY]

Now, leaving aside the irony of the phrase "Blinded Diversity," lets focus for a sec on journalistic concerns. Isn't it important to let the readers know what the point of the event was? Sure, one could infer that the blindfolds were to make students comfortable discussing tough topics in public. But the way the blurb reads, with students "sporting blindfolds," its like there's a blindness fad sweeping the campus. "Where are you guys going tonight?" "Just down to Scruff's." "Ya'll wearin' blindfolds?" "Hell yeah! I didn't want to get dressed up, but you know I've got to roll fake blind, baby!"

I'm also thrown by the basic premise of this little shindig. I mean, I get it, but did anybody really expect anonymity? Did participants put the blindfolds on before they went into the room? Did they wear them from home, just to make sure they didn't out anyone else attending? And nobody recognized anybody else's voice? If you've ever been to one of these campus diversity things, you know it's always the same yahoos who show up.

And what kind of "tough" questions were being asked? "I think I might be a closet racist, but I was afraid to ask about it in public. Thank God for this blindfold event, now I can diss black people without retribution." Or, "Is it just me, or are gay people weird to be around? Any of you other blindfolded people have some diversity wisdom you want to lay down on my intolerant viewpoint?"

Return of the Blog!

2009-03-19T13:35:00.003-05:00

I have wandered the wilderness lo, these many days, lost in fog of terrifying specters. All about I was beset by strange and vicious monsters--"moot court briefs," "final exams," and "write-on competitions"--who jealously stole away my time to blog and surf Wikipedia. But I have escaped these trials. Like noble Jason I now stride into Iolcus to reclaim that which is mine. Also, if anyone has seen the sandal I lost near the river, I'd appreciate an e-mail or something. I'm offering a reward, but it's just some wool spray-painted gold.

I have returned, my friends, to the blogosphere I have so sorely missed. So much to say! So much to discuss! In the intervening months since my last post, so much has happened. Diana now has a wonderfully hilarious blog, with a more succinct and readable format than mine. Twitter has taken over the world, and I'm becoming wrapped up in it (JesseLDavis is my handle there). We're members of St. Alban's Episcopal here in town, and I expect the Rev. Jeff Fischer's great sermons will give us fodder for plenty of TheoThursdays to come. And, we can't forget, there's a cadre of radical socialists running the country now. It's good to be back!

PS, I'm thinking about renaming the blog...the Self-Infliction thing was funny while I was taking Torts, but now it seems a little to S&M. Thoughts?

There Can Be Only One!

2008-11-03T21:22:00.007-06:00

No, unfortunately Connor MacCleod of the Clan MacCleod is not one of our ballot options. Dude took out the Kurgan--obviously Bin Laden would be no match. Plus, Connor's immortal, so it wouldn't matter how long it took to find him.

Election Day is finally here, such as it is, and there can only be one president. Accordingly, our distinguished panel have submitted their predictions for the final outcome. But before the maps, a few thoughts of my own.

How did we get to this point? "Conservatives" jumping ship to vote for the most liberal major party nominee ever. Open and vociferous mockery of our VP candidate's intelligence (again). Democrat takeover of middle America, and hijacking of major GOP platform planks like tax cuts and responsible budgeting. And most importantly, a well-packaged but unproven youngster's defeat of our stalwart war hero (again). Haven't we learned how to win these things? Haven't we been through some of this?

It's easy to blame the McCain campaign, and say, "That's not the McCain we remember," or "He had a bunch of Bushies advising him to sling mud." But 2008 was not 2000 redux. This is the McCain who lives in a post-9/11 world, a McCain who had a new message for a new situation. We weren't riding highs this time, but worrying about past and future lows. We didn't have a distrusted Dem in the White House to run against, but a wickedly unpopular Republican pres to run away from. And we weren't leading for most of this race, but clawing to stay neck-and-neck. You can bet you would have seen more negativity from Obama if he had been trailing a few points. Regardless, the climate was dismal even before the economic meltdown, and McCain's put up a hell of a fight.

But still I ask, how did our party arrive here? Simple. We relied on wedge issues to win our last two contests, and forgot what happens when the wedge works against you. We morphed pro-growth policies into naked apologetics for greed and excess. We squandered our political capital on instant gratification, and allowed our capitalists to slip further into self-gratification. We were more concerned with not unplugging Terry Schivo than with cutting pork, and too wrapped up in the FMA to reign in Fannie and Freddie. We are the ones they warned the country about, and we proved our critics right in nearly every respect. Only in the area of national security have we succeeded, and our gains there won't be fully appreciated until we're all too senile to care. We might deserve the ass kicking we're going to get tomorrow, and we can only hope the Dems screw up one-party rule just as much as we did. (especially once one of the 'swing' justices croaks)

I'm still somewhat optimistic about overall performance, and I think Obama's overpolled in many places. Even so, we may lose states that haven't been challenged in a generation. So, without further ado, the maps, and your comments! (it appears our only real disagreements are MO, NC, and FL)

Six Things I Still Love About My School

2008-10-27T10:44:00.007-05:00

Say what you will about UNT, the university is striving for new heights. Unfortunately, the heights we attain in athletics all turn out to be atrocious lows. We have achieved an expensive new coach--who has been a huge flop so far. We have achieved student support for rockin' new stadium--which would hold 6 times as many people as showed up for the Homecoming game this weekend. We have achieved national prominence--as ESPN's worst team in the nation five weeks running (and on their Bottom 10 list since Week 1). But unlike the young Eagle at left who we spotted in the stands on Saturday, I've still got love for the Mean Green and my alma mater. Here are a few reasons.

1. Culture. The Austin kids prattle on about how much culture their city has--the night life, the music scene, the movie stars. The UT folks surely contribute to this "bohemia-chic" vibe and help "Keep Austin Weird." But look around next time you're down there. So much of the Austin hipster vibe is perpetuated by concert promoters, multinationals, and whatever rich genius came up with those t-shirts everybody bought (except the army of homeless who crowd the streets). UT itself is only like 10% hippie leftists, 60% "top ten percenters"--the silent majority, and 20% rich kids who could ID 'dro but not hemp clothing.

At UNT, we've got the REAL culture (largest/best public visual arts school in the nation; top public music program in the nation; marching band prohibited from competing more than 3 years in a row, for fairness). Weirdness is not a catchphrase, but a way of life. We've got REAL burned out hippies, and they're still in school. The unique culture of Denton is almost entirely a product of the university environment, and has a much more organic feel. There's even a unique Denton style of architecture. We may not have ACL or the Alamo Drafthouse, but we're also not a city of posers.

2. Aspiration. For many years, UNT was content on the sidelines. We had our place in the metroplex, and we were happy there. But then came the age of massive public universities, and the "college bound" culture. Some astute administrators realized that we were going to be drug kicking and screaming into the 35-40k student range, and we'd better make the most of it. So the school set out to leave it's "commuter," "regional," and "value" adjectives behind, and seek out "top tier," "premier," and "research institution" labels. This transformation no easy task, but strides have been made and the goal is in sight.

3. Renaissance. Piggy-backing off of #2, the school has not only rebranded itself, it has reinvented itself. And it's doing it in such a way that the things that already make us great (music, visual arts) are preserved and enhanced.

4. Growth. We've eclipsed Texas Tech and are neck-and-neck with UH for student population. Size isn't everything, but it shows a trend in students' choices. The best part is, our DFW to non-DFW ratio is getting smaller and smaller, showing that kids from across the state are learning more about the school and finding their place there.

5. Atmosphere and Geography. This relates back to #1. Some folks need the rushed pace of a major metropolis. The frantic driving, the outrageous cost of living and property taxes, and the hastening of your eventual demise (it's true, city people die younger). I'd much rather have UNT's relaxed, suburban feel, with the convenience of Dallas and Fort Worth for all your city needs.

6. Big Fish, Small but Increasingly Important Pond. For me, one of the best things about UNT was the opportunities. Sure, I would have had a shot at SBP at UT or A&M, but the numerical competition alone would have been ridiculous. I could have gone to DC from UT or A&M, but would have been just another Longhorn or Aggie in the faceless horde. But at UNT, I shot straight to the same heights leaders at other schools enjoyed, but in half the time and with half the effort. We had a de facto student regent at UNT before the legislature installed them at all Texas schools. We had sometimes daily interaction with VP's and the president's office. We had almost unfettered control over student service fees. And how many alums to you know whose university presidents sent them two wedding gifts? UNT is a rising star, and my wagon is hitched to it.

I'm sure there are plenty of cool things I'm missing, so help me fill in the blanks. On a somewhat related note, one of our biggest projects in undergrad was the commissioning of a student memorial sculpture on the library plaza. It turned out somewhat differently than planned, but its the thought that counts. The finished sculpture was dedicated this weekend at Homecoming, and I gave some pretty rocking remarks. Photos below (and check out the link for my speech as prepared).

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Awesome

2008-10-20T09:27:00.014-05:00

I haven't posted in a while, so I'm kind of backlogged on topics. I've got lots to say about the election, but so does everybody else. I saw the new Indiana Jones movie the other day, so I've got stuff to say about that. And I'd like to talk a bit about moot court. But since I have neither the time nor inclination to hit all three today, I'll give an executive summary of two, and then get to the fun stuff: Indiana Jones.

1) The Election: It looks bad. Really bad. I may be losing hope in our chances this year. The worst part is the one-party rule we'll once again have to tolerate after President That One appoints new justices. I hated it enough when my party was in power; I can't imagine how awful the next eight years will be. Throw in the very real possibility of a Dem supermajority in the Senate, and I think I just might puke. My only contingency plan is to not do anything successful or make more then $15/year until we throw the bums out.

2) Moot Court: Peter and I didn't make the break. We were really disappointed, and maybe even felt a little gypped. But then I made the school team, and will be arguing at the George Washington University National Security Law competition in February. So now things are cool and I'm feeling vindicated. But Peter is a skilled advocate, too, and I hope our brief gets high marks.

3) Indiana Jones: So we finally saw Indy IV, courtesy of Blockbuster. If you haven't been living in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, you've probably heard that the South Park guys opened the new season with a pretty awful critique of the movie. I'll spare you the details, but it involved George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg "Deliverancing" Indiana Jones repeatedly. You could almost hear Shortround shouting "Cover your bum, Indy, cover your bum!" a la Temple of Doom. For the record, I'm pretty sure even Kali was not into that stuff. I find South Park to a crude, but accurate reflection of popular opinion within my generation. So, my pop culture views normally line up up with the writers'. But this time they were way off.

Sure, there were aliens and trans-dimensional vortexes in the new movie. But don't forget the premises of the last three: Indiana Jones finds the Arc of the Covenant; Indiana Jones has misadventures in an underground slave mine/death temple and almost has his heart ripped out by a Thugee cult; Indiana Jones and his Dad find the Holy Grail, and now Indiana Jones might be immortal (he chose wisely). And pre-Colombian alien visitors are supposed to be more of a stretch?

Harrison Ford is getting up there in years, but the story covers that. The visuals were great, and minus a few totally weird moments (vengeful monkeys? surviving three waterfalls?), the writing was also very solid. I'm not sold on Shia LaBeouf as Indy's heir apparent, but the kid sells tickets like Harrison used to.

Maybe I'm biased--after all, I spent plenty of time as a kid swinging on ropes and jumping around the back yard whilst humming the Indy theme song. And (while slightly inebriated) I e-mailed the costume guy who made Indy's jacket for the movie and found out I can get one for $675 (cheap, no? Remember this at x-mas!). Plus I want a bitchin' prof-tweed suit like he's got. But at the end of the day, these are just supposed to be fun movies, and this was a worthy installment in an awesome franchise.

Map Time

2008-10-08T11:50:00.021-05:00

It's that time again, kiddos, when we tabulate, obfuscate and discombobulate the numbers to predict just what might happen on Nov. 4th. The long and short of it? Not a good outlook for McCain. Whether you agree or disagree, use this widget to map your predictions, and send me a screen shot of your creation. Much conversation will be sparked!

Again, for historical perspective, here are previous map posts: A Map of the Future; WH 2008: Map Quest; Mapp v. Ohio. We'll do this once more before election night.

The clear picture here is a dismal one for McCain. The economy ate a big one, and so, it appears, will the party in power. Across the board Republicans are down in the polls, and the "momentum" lies with the Dems for the foreseeable future. Three things could change this miserable state of affairs: an epically miraculous economic rebound, revelations that Obama is a paedophile (British spelling because it would have to be that bad--draw your own conclusions), or a terrorist attack. Let's hope it's not terrorists.

Bumslanger's map lays out McCain's only conceivable success strategy, which additionally relies on picking up one of Maine's proportional electoral votes. This optimism is to be expected, since "Bumslanger" is the ridiculous pseudonym I told my friend in the McCain campaign I would use on his map.

Free LAPP Dances

2008-10-06T15:43:00.006-05:00

Ha! That title totally tricked you into reading my post! Well, at least if you're not a BLS student. For the uninitiated, LAPP is an acronym for a required course called, "Lord Almighty, Poison Please." This is mainly because somewhere in the middle of the syllabus you start to contemplate all the horrible ways of dieing that are preferable to doing statutory construction for one more second. Also, check out the Lapp dude at left with his reindeer! (Random reminder--send me updated maps!!)

In all fairness, it's a great and useful course (kind of like Islam is a great and true religion), taught by a no lie brilliant prof. Today was just rough because I got up at 4:30am today so that George and his reporter collection could be on time to San Antonio. Is it cool to drive in a WH motorcade? YES. Is it cool to watch Air Force One do its thing? YES. Is it worth almost falling asleep four times in LAPP today? Barely, but YES. Except that the one hoe from the NYT stole my umbrella. Actually a very nice and bright woman, but I'm going to keep trashing her until my umbrella comes home safe. Put that in your liberal media bias and smoke it, Sheryl.

So how did I stay awake during LAPP today? SAT style, math and verbal. I wrote and wrote and wrote, and some times that necessitated math. Here's a sampling:

"Board of the agency? More like BORED of the agency. I'm writing this to stay awake. This is getting ridiculous. The more Beal yells, the sleepier I get. You'd be surprised how much you can write when your eyes are half closed and you keep nodding off. ..."

"Even when I'm well rested, this class is like getting a bullet to the brain, over and over, for 1.0833 hours. That's like, if a bullet leaves the barrel of a gun travelling at least 1000 fps (and that's pretty slow), and my head is a bit wider than a foot, and the gunman waited for the bullet to exit my cranium before firing the next shot, I'd be getting at least 1000 bullets through my head per second. In the course of one class, I'd end up with 65000 slugs ripping through my gray matter."

"If the bullet used is a standard .9 mm, that's about 0.75 inches long. So why not just stay home and take a nap, and then have somebody come over and ram 4062.4 feet of jacketed lead rod through my skull? Also, I'm pretty pissed off about that lady who took my umbrella."

Can I call you Smoe?

2008-10-03T13:35:00.005-05:00

A quick media note--as usual, I nicked the image at left from some other website. I don't know what Sarah Palin is holing in her right hand. I only know I hope they are not what I think they may be.

I've been busy crushing the competition lately--at school, in moot court, and in the summer job search--so my posting has been sporatic. But with the debate last night and map-time soon approaching, I figured I should get with it.

Impressions from last night? Expectations heavily favored Biden, especially after the CBS-Coric sabotage (that's right, sabotage), but as the headlines read this morning, Plain held her own. The is largely because Biden held back to avoid looking like more of an arrogant SOB than he is, but also because the McCain camp is getting closer to the magical mix of canned and candid that Palin needs. They let her off the leash just enough last night that she came across well prepared, yet not overly rehearsed. It was pretty awkward when she was hot-miked before and after the event, so that we heard her ask Biden "Can I call you Joe?" and then yell for her family to join her onstage.

For his part, Biden stuck to message while ranging over his full Senate record, including a great recollection of key votes by both Obama and McCain. This beltway institutional memory is exactly his utility to the campaign, and he brought it to bear full force last night. But the smug looks, tenuous inferences, and douchebag grins also brought some negative reactions.

The net result is that neither veep potential scored an overwhelming number of points, and likely few voters were swayed. Other than a somewhat renewed confidence in Palin as something other than a moose-hungry jackaninny, very little came of last night's showdown. As I've said before, the battle lines are almost all drawn, almost everyone has picked sides. All we have left is October suprise.

I have to say that (future of the nation aside) I'm really hoping the surprise happens to Biden. I wouldn't buy a new car from that guy, much less the used ones he seems to be peddling every time he opens his mouth. And honestly, I can't believe he hasn't f'ed things up yet. What's that Joe? Who runs all the 7-11's in Wilmington? And how would you describe Obama? Maybe clean and articulate?

The Feds provide a bucket--a shovel is more fitting

2008-09-22T12:33:00.004-05:00

This bail out nonsense has got me all sorts of pissed off. It's so much BS that I can't even fathom how it will pass Congress. Admittedly, we can't let the financial sector sink, or we're doomed. Like maybe post-Cold War Russia doomed. But how is $700 billion (actually closer to $1 trillion) of our money the right fix!? I hope my generation is well tuned-in to this, because we're the ones who will be paying back th massive national debt to the Chinese--for the bailouts, the war, and every other wasteful thing that has come out of Washington.

The Federal Government has a long and successful history of assuming debt or failing financial services businesses, and generally staving off disaster. I.e., Hamilton's debt assumption and First National Bank (c. 1790), the FDIC, lots of New Deal progeny, etc. etc. But there's a key difference in this latest scheme. The Feds want to buy up ONLY bad debt, and maybe even expand that to all BAD assets a company may hold. When the FDIC closes down a bank, they take ALL their accounts, good debt AND bad debt, assets AND liabilities. When they took over FannieMae, FreddieMac and AIG, the Feds took something like and 85% share in the companies, so we taxpayers may actually see a profit if things turn around even a little at those firms. But under the current Paulson plan, the Feds will only buy bad assets. They say that some of the debts will be repaid or sold off--this is true. But it's BAD debt, by definition we will never see a return on our money, and we're infinitely more like to lose our shirts. Duh, that's what happened to the banks that wrote the bad notes in the first place.

The better solution? If we're going to bail companies out to prevent a total meltdown, we've got to run it like an FDIC takeover. Either assume the company entirely and sell its assets to cover debts and make it solvent, or take a major share (85% sounds ok), put in a capable board, and use the new cash from the gov't buyout to make the company solvent (e.g., AIG).

What frustrates me even more about all this is that neither candidate can form a cogent response to the crisis, much less this debacle of a bailout plan. McCain says he's "deeply uncomfortable," which, in an aside, is a ridiculous phrase. If you're deeply uncomfortable, your feelings have obviously left the realm of comfort and discomfort. I mean, chairs and jeans are comfortable or uncomfortable. Candidates should be dealing in the "cautiously optimistic" to "deeply troubled" range.

And Obama's only response has been to rail on Wall Street, rich people, and Washington. New flash for Obama: you are a wealthy person, if you have even one mutual fund (as he surely does) your financial advisor is almost guaranteed to be a part of the current problem, and if the problem was Congress, you've got to own up to that, too. Come on guys, say something meaningful and intelligent, and for God sakes, come out against this foolishness. Do I even need to mention that W's conservative credentials are complete and utter crap at this point?

I Don't Like Ike

2008-09-12T13:49:00.007-05:00

It is my general policy to dislike hurricanes. On a purely theoretical level, I can appreciate the awesome power and majesty of Old Testament vengence wrought upon a sinful world. But also, hurricanes hurt people and mess up our stuff. This go-around, some of the messed up stuff might be mine!

I've been meaning to post pictures of our yard for a while now, but I've put it off so I could get shots of the finished product. Unfortunately, just as we get things straightened out the way we want them, some Ike borne winds and rain are going to tear through Waco. I'm really hoping to avoid the tornados powerful hurricanes often spawn.

So, just in case our nice new yard projects get demolished this weekend, here's some pics of what we've done so far. For reference, remember that there used to be an above ground pool out back, a fish pond on the front corner, and the craziness you saw in previously posted pics.

This is the backhoe Dick (Diana's dad) rented to facilitate removal of the fish pond. He got it mainly as a birthday present to himself, for pure enjoyment, but it actually saved a whole crapload of time (1 crapload equals approximately 7/16's of a fortnight)

Our awesome new patio, which replaced the war zone pictured below. Note the sod first purchased as a birthday present to me from my mom, and then more around the patio installed by myself, JT, and JK.

This beautiful desert garden replaced the fish pond and it's attendant grossness.

More sod...where there used to be a nasty pool.

The War Zone, with the patio in progress.

WH 2008: Mapp v. Ohio

2008-09-08T16:23:00.011-05:00

The title is obscure for some loyal readers (especially because I only mention Ohio in passing), but it's the best I could do at 4pm on a rainy Monday. However, the directive is clear: send me your electoral maps! You can create you own map here, and send me the screen shot or link. I will post them, along with your comments, and continue to call for updates every few weeks, or as circumstances dictate.

Previous map postings, for historical perspective: WH 2008: Map Quest; A Map of the Future

As the McCain-Obama stalemate deepens, I notice a trend. More than a trend, in fact--a complete repeat of 2000 and 2004! In 2000, Gore won all the states where I have Obama favored, with the exception of New Hampshire and Colorado, and Bush won in all the states where I have McCain on top, plus those two. Bush picked up New Mexico in 2004, but lost New Hampshire. And, as I count it today, the only state that McCain could possibly sway into his column (in addition to maintaining his toeholds elsewhere) is Colorado.

Is this as far as we've come in 8 years? This is as much daylight as the electorate puts between Obama and Kerry or Gore, or Bush and McCain? Is the Rocky Mountain State the new Ohio, as the arbiter of epic contests? I'm a little flabbergasted.

Who is like unto the beast?

2008-09-05T13:45:00.015-05:00

"Who is like unto the beast? Who is able to make war with him?" Rev. 13:4 (KJV)

The battle lines are drawn, and the game is truly afoot. T-minus 135 days until we select a new President and administration. So where to things stand? Almost neck and neck, in the popular vote and the electoral. But given Obama's advantage on both counts, McCain is learning that to defeat his enemy, he must become his enemy. Change (of some fashion) is in the air!

Even though we saw it coming, Obama stunned observers with the sheer pageantry of his nominating convention. Despite some lackluster moments--Mark Warner--and early signs that the Big O's speech would be more meat and potatoes than his usual pie in the sky, the convention was a huge win for Democrats. Obama made a strong and probably very successful play for the center with rhetoric on family values, personal responsibility, and McCain's closeness to the Bush-Cheney record.

(No, it doesn't matter that his conceptions of family values and personal responsibility are enormously out of sync with mainstream America. And no, awesome graphics and a hella good speech do not a president make. Face it, he just ain't the Jeb Bartlett they think he is. Unfortunately the buyer's remorse won't set in until after the election.)

Also, O's pick of Biden for his running mate has proven popular among Dems and pundits who saw vulnerability in the experience department. Obama has secured his base, moved into the center with vigor, and has likely solidified his lead in a number of formerly "swing" states.

While by rights this turn of events should spell disaster for McCain, he still has a fighting chance. He was not idle during the Dem spectacle, but busy making what Buchanan called "the biggest gamble in presidential election history." Sarah Palin. McCain knew he was at a stalemate with Obama, one he was likely to lose by one or two states. So he threw a Hail Mary pass that the base caught and ran with.

Palin has been thoroughly bashed by the left and lambasted by the media, but she is a superstar with the base. McCain will find advantage from this. Since when have Republican voters ever cared what the New York Times or The Atlantic thought? Quite the contrary--their vociferous opposition makes "Sarah Barracuda" an even more delightful pick. Yes, her experience is very limited, but still more impressive as an executive than either Obama, Biden, or McCain. As a reformer, none but McCain tops her for change personally affected by the candidate. Obama and Biden talk a good game, but at the end of the day real credit for any of their liberal reforms goes to other party heavies. The Maverick, on the other hand, can reference a dozen times he's swum upstream and lifted heavy loads to make change happen.

But I'm very concerned with McCain's messaging failure. McCain's camp wisely chose to highlight the candidate's two best assets- a long record of service and a maverick history. These translate into the "Country First" slogan and generic promises of reform. But these aren't themes that the electorate can get truly enthusiastic about. And, of course, Obama has turned the first into "More of the Same," and taken firm possession of the second for himself.

Sure, service is great, folks should volunteer, ask what you can do for your country, blah blah blah. We've heard it. It's still true after the first fifty times, so what does does McCain get by reciting truisms? He's preaching to the choir. What about "Keeping America Strong Together," or "Service is Our Strength," anything that pushes selflessness, recalls McCain's record of self-sacrificing service, but is also rousing enough for people to give a damn. What's more, when you're in a position like McCain's, likely to lose the election by only a state but locked in tight, go ahead an throw another Hail Mary. If you're going to co-opt Obama's change platform, then do it all the way. Lines like "Real Change for America," "Change We Can Live With," or "Change That Won't Completely Tank the Economy" work better than broad-stroke reform promises and references to the record. If McCain's going to run on a change message, he's got to do a better job of communicating the difference in between his "change" and Obama's "change," and why his is better.

I'll post electoral maps on Monday. Send me yours!

West Fest and All the Rest

2008-08-31T19:45:00.012-05:00

First, a few more words on Palin: Surprising, Female, and Inexperienced. These are the only ones that really apply. It seems the McCain did the math and decided he needed to mollify the base, hire a lady friend, and generally shake things up in the election. In these objectives he has suceeded, and the post-Barack concert news cycle is his. But as the dust settles, only the numbers will be able to tell us if the gamble will pay[lin] off. Will any of Hillary's voters in the center defect? More importantly, will any states swing as a result? Only time will tell, but my money says no. I'll be looking for maps to post on Friday or Monday, so send them in after the big speech on Thursday.

On to a more inebriated subject: West Fest! D and I teamed up with our super cool Waco friends Nick and Anna for a Tex-Czech extravaganza. Sausage, polka, beer, beer, petting zoo, tigers, and beer. If you cut the girls out of tiger photo, it looks like Nick and I just got back from the San Francisco courthouse.

We saw many strange and exciting sights, including a llama that looked like Janet Jackson, the infamous and illustrious Dentonites Brave Combo, a mushroom forrest, and Diana touching a hot little ass.

But by far the most bizarre turn of events occurred as we approached a giant sandwich man. Sensing the freak need little levity in his day, I shout "High Four!" and slapped him some skin. As we assembled for the picture, a young mother admonished the child in her stroller, "Honey, we don't make fun of the sandwich man and his four fingers. That's not nice." Are you kidding me, you twit? Lighten up, or your kid's going to grow up you be the same kind of supercillious ass that you seem to be.

The Other Side's Palin' in Comparison

2008-08-29T10:12:00.003-05:00

More on this later, but McCain has officially picked Sarah Palin (Alaska gov) as his running mate.

Initial thoughts: she was probably one of his best female options, and brings some vivacious youth to the ticket. A good play for disenfranchised Hillary supporters.

Negatives: is the ability to win Alaska gov really that impressive? Is the "beauty queen" background going to bite her? (Yes, unless she comes off mega-smart in her very first appearance) And don't forget that Alaska is a cesspool with the distinct taint of corruption--although her rep so far is for reform and transparency. Let's hope that's what shines through.

To be sure, there were probably some stronger picks out there. But to paraphrase Chuck Todd's footbal analogy, if McCain thinks he's at 3rd and 11, he needed to run the risker play. If he were at 3rd and goal, we would have seen a safer bet.

Biden' Our Time 'til November

2008-08-25T09:39:00.004-05:00

So Obama's announced his VP pick, and it's Joe f'in Biden. I had a bad feeling things might turn out this way, even though Team Barrack kept the veep vetting pretty quiet. Now, I'm not pessimistic about the choice of Biden because it's going to hurt McCain's chances (quite the opposite). I'm mostly aghast at the mere possibility of Barry winning, then croaking, and Biden becoming leader of the free world. Ugh...I actually just shuddered at the thought.

So why Biden? We all knew the Big O needed to bolster his foreign policy/experience cred, and some commentators postulate that Biden will also bridge the gap to bring in moderate white voters who should be voting Democrat on the issues, but are "comfortable" with McCain. And since Biden mentioned his Scranton roots about thirty billion times during his big speech, we can bet a play for Pennsylvania was somewhere in the calculus, too. But does Biden actually advance any of these goals for Obama?

The clear choice on foreign policy should have been Richardson. Biden's got Senate experience, but legislative experience is primary the accumulation of knowledge. This amounts to (in layman's terms) jack crap in executive ability. But Richardson's got real diplomatic chops, boots on the ground kind of stuff. Plus the guy defected from the Clinton camp very early on, so that had to have earned him something. Maybe he'll be content with SecState.

As far as bridge building goes, Hillary would have been the way to go if she wasn't a egomaniacal power-seeker married to a has been who doesn't realize he's not the president anymore. But what about Bayh? If you're looking for someone to pass the beer test, he does so with flying colors, and would probably tip Indiana into the blue column.

And that brings us to Pennsylvania. Can we even pretend that a VP candidate is going to seriously influence the voters in his home state? When was the last time that actually happened? LBJ? The undecideds are not going to be swayed by the addition of yet another party faithful to a ticket just because the candidate is from their state. They're undecideds--by definition they've likely never voted for the VP candidate in any previous races, and are unlikely to feel any affiliation with them. Doubly so for Biden, who suddenly, after 40+ years and the success of "The Office," decides to re-pledge allegiance to Scranton, PA. Give me a break, the guy represents the lamest state in the union (Delaware) and he's trying to parlay that in to a PA win? If Obama wins the Keystone State he will do so on his own merits, without a single nudge from Biden.

Granted, Biden may not measure up to other potential candidates in individual areas, but he is the closest thing to a "full package" that Obama was going to find. But accepting a fair all-around running mate as opposed to an specifically excellent one seems to be a miscalculation.

And lest we forget, Biden is a walking gaffe. He can't keep his moth shut (literally, there are shows that won't have him on because he always runs over time--always), and if he's talking, he's screwing somebody's pooch. Remember that time Joe Biden said all the 7-11's are run by Indianan people? Remember that time Joe Biden said Obama was "clean and articulate" for a black candidate? Remember that time Joe Biden said he'd rather run with John McCain than vote for Obama? Opps. Incidentally, this last one is already a McCain ad.

So the Republicans are going to have a great time running with this. We'll score some direct hits and catch some great breaks from every single Biden appearance. If Obama was hoping to give McCain a little handicap, he made the right VP choice.

Issues of Olympic Proportion

2008-08-10T20:46:00.003-05:00

Let me first say that the Opening Ceremonies of the 2008 Beijing Olympics were spectacular. By this I mean that they were literally a spectacle, the type of pageantry rivaled only by the most lavish military and religious displays. Over 15,000 performers manipulated, explored, and interacted with a venue that was both innovative and inspiring. They appeared either in small troupes, or in huge cadres of 2008 people each, and interpreted themes of China's rich and enormous history. I simply could not believe some of the feats of technology and human performance It was absurdly cool to watch! Enjoy this slideshow while I try to find a better video:

However, as you can see in the photos above, the program also showcased one of China's most disturbing themes: communism. Not justthe communist system of government, but the communo-fascist "one for all, and all together" mentality that the China's collective identity exemplifies. The large groups of 2008 performers-- dressed identically, hair cut identically, and likely selected for similar appearances--conjured up images of ancient terra cotta warriors and the kind enthusiastic workers found only in propaganda. The character for "harmony" was a recurring image in the ceremony, ostensibly as a call for world peace. But China's concept of peace hearkens back to the the "spheres of influence" the western powers imposed on her 100 years ago. To China, harmony means "If you leave my affairs alone, I won't interfere in yours. " This worldview governs at home, too. The Chinese people are given certain "freedoms," and may exercise them so long as they don't interfere with the harmony of the state. Just as 1 blue performer among 2007 red would have been disharmonious to the opening ceremony, one dissenter among 1 billion complacent Chinese is disharmonious to the state. The is the antithesis of freedom.

And these thoughts, of course, beg questions: should these games be held in China, and should we be supporting them? By sheer numbers, China is clearly the world's worst human rights violator. Does it's government deserve the honor of hosting the world's greatest showing of good will and true harmony? In the interest of true harmony--yes. The Olympic Ideal has always been just that, an ideal. Universal sportsmanship and goodness have never been completely attained, and will not be in our lifetimes. Yet the Games defy the moral and political discord in the world by offering (in the guise of simple sport), an ideal that transcends and supercedes our inability to bring about true harmony. Would holding the games in Switzerland rather than Beijing do anything to end human rights abuses in China? No. But in contrast, giving the Chinese people a national pride in something other than state-generated propaganda (not to mention a glimpse at real economic stimulus) does go a long way. The influence of democratic thought and liberal economics make no inroads in a closed, isolated China. But they may take root an flourish in a China open to international trade and dialog at it's most basic levels. A middle class Chinese person has no reason to dispute a system he does not know is broken. But once his awareness is awakened at the global level (through sport, or the steady flow of cash he receives from free trade), his eyes can never be closed again. In short, a boycott of the games by the Western world would not have freed Tibet, nor accomplished anything else. But, an engaged and interdependent China is subject to influences that just might make a positive difference.

WH 2008: Map Quest

2008-08-08T23:08:00.009-05:00

As we approach perhaps the most momentous elections in recent history, Todd has suggested that we post updates of everyones' electoral maps every couple of weeks. So, without further ado, here are the first I've gotten in. Please continue to send them, and I'll update this as necessary until the next map post. (Remember that you can get build a map here)

As you can see, McCain's tight near-tie in national polls doesn't necessarily translate into state-by-state success. However, Obama's failure to pull into a commanding national lead could pre-sage a mediocre showing in crucial swing states. I'm thinking of places like ... Obama's lost his stranglehold on the mainstream media as even McCain's desperate "pop star" ads have wrested the spotlight from him. And, by crying wolf on race in his response to the petty ads, he's lost some appeal with moderate whites. Is any Obama criticism automatically rasicsm? That's the message his response seemed to convey. Americans don't want, and won't long abide, an administration above reproach. It's just not in our DNA. As things stand today, though, it's still tough to get a McCain victory out of this math. His only real chance seems to be to win back Colorado, and ALSO secure Missouri, Ohio, Indiana, and Virginia (Pennsylvania is lost, probably forever). It's possible, but highly improbable that Johnny can pull this off.

Also: As soon as I can, I'll post some thoughts on the Opening Ceremonies of the 29th Olympiad in Beijing. As Bob Costas said, "When it comes to opening ceremonies, retire the trophy."

Tasks Done and Undone

2008-08-06T10:33:00.007-05:00

For starters, everybody send me your electoral pick maps. (Here's the link again. The widget can be screwy, so the best way to do it is to make your changes and then use the "print screen" key to make a screen capture you can paste into an e-mail or MS Paint.) I promise I'll post them this Friday. As a loyal reader has pointed out, I intended to do this two Fridays ago, but became strangely busy in my August recess. Probably a function of deferring many tasks to the long break from say, the middle of finals. So what have I been up to?

First, you'll recall my minor car accident a couple months ago. We decided to repair the car, but I'll be damned if I was going to put the quoted $1,200 into a 1997 Isuzu Rodeo worth $3,000 in "good" condition. This is where all those hours as a a shade tree mechanic's apprentice with my dad paid off. I made a couple phone calls, found a used tailgate up in Kennedale, drove up to get it and installed the sucker all in one afternoon. I have to admit that I'm impressed with myself, because not only does the new gate operate flawlessly, I also switched out our existing key cylinder, connected the windshield wiper, and hooked up the remote latch "popper." Not bad for a non-car guy. The only catch is, the new tailgate is white, while the car itself is black (as in, a polar opposite mismatch). Always the optimist, Diana says it give the 'zu a cool harlequin look. For that alone, she deserves a new ride as soon as we blow this berg...in 2 1/2 years.

And, of course, there was our trip back east. It's strange to think that we hadn't seen some of our best friends there since the wedding in late December, and some even before that. The river house was ridiculously relaxing, and a raucous good time as usual (yes, I am rockin' a 'stache in the photo). Dinner Sunday night at Old Ebbitt really capped things off, and reminded me of how much I miss everyone in DC, and the pace of things out there.

On the home front, the back patio is coming along nicely, but taking a lot of time. For those of you who haven't been over recently, the project is to convert the back yard from the war zone it is currently (see photo at left--note Sandy carrying her favorite chewin' brick) to something more presentable (like the photo at right, although the storms crapped things up a bit). We've made progress since we moved in--sodding the sand pit where the pool used to be, planting a rose bed, tearing down poorly placed awnings and arbors, digging a drainage ditch, etc. Redoing the patio is the last big step before the yard fulfills it's true purpose: a pleasant place to sit and drink beer.

Q2: Judgment Day

2008-07-24T14:39:00.011-05:00

(Long but worth the read!) Late in the summer of 2008, only a few short months after our intrepid hero's first adventure, the forces of evil struck again. The upper quarters risked much to send a message through time to assist our hero in his mission. "Look out for your second quarter," they said, "It can really sneak up on you." And so it did.

The first wave came early, about two weeks ahead of the others. The Architect struck in the wee hours of the morning, practically before dawn. Suddenly, the full weight of defamation law bore down on our hero. Long nights of research and complex reasoning tried his endurance and challenged his resolve. But, fighting valiantly, he overcame the Architects machinations and enjoyed a brief respite before the real battle began.

Or so he thought. The Reverend's attack was cunning. It began as long, slow, and painful torment. Days upon endless days of information to be regurgitated. The hero didn't know if he had the capacity to handle it all. Driven nearly mad, every night he had the same dream. Standing on a hilltop, watching children peacefully in a park, he was the only one who could warn them of the impending doom. "Mens Rea!" he would shout to them, "We've all got an evil mens rea! That's why crime requires an act or omission!" But his cries went unheard, and as he shouted the children kept playing, oblivious to even the most basic legal principles. Just when the hero thought the onslaught would never end, the Reverend struck with snake strike swiftness. Their battle was epic, and in the end the Reverend retreated into the shadows. Our hero was left with the distinct impression that they would meet again, and soon.

Next, the Pirklator struck, using obscure and arcane mysteries known only to him. Our hero had no choice but to struggle best he could against a foe whose tactics changed with every breath. The Pirklator's champion was none other the mighty T1000, but even it was no match for the hero's outstanding maneuvers. He could tell his enemies were getting desperate.

At long last, the ingenious Commodore launched his assault from aboard his flagship, "Beamer." It was a brutally awesome bombardment, the likes of which have never been seen before or since. Salvo after flaming death salvo the Commodore sent hurtling towards our hero, nearly sinking him on more than one occasion. It was all he could do to keep his head above water, much less fight back. But just when all seemed lost, he recalled the words of District Attorney Harvey Dent--"It's always darkest just before the dawn." With a sudden boost of confidence, our hero remembered his greatest weapon, promissory estoppel. "Rely on this, Commodore!" he shouted, laughing death in the face as he dealt his adversary a fatal blow. As the dark ship "Beamer" sank beneath the waves, our hero could just make out a lone Red Owl winging away above the whitecaps.

But all was not yet well. One fearsome foe lay ahead, the dreaded Fuselier. Her onslaught was last, but not by any means the least. She attacked with a feint to the left, then a dart to the right, and then a withering equitable partition right up the middle. Her conditions subsequent and precedent spun at him so fast that our hero nearly fell right into a negative reciprocal easement. But the hero wanted more than injunctive relief...he was out for blood. Deftly parrying the Fuseliers sudden Fair Housing Act claim, the hero leapt up and struck back with a crippling constructive eviction. Victory was sweet, and outstanding. Finally, our hero had time to mow the lawn, and maybe have a beer.

Editor's note: F*Tard Fridays return tomorrow with new electoral maps!

SFW: Baby Sasquatch

2008-07-19T20:58:00.003-05:00

With the Torts II final vanquished, I think a celebratory installment of "Scenes From Waco" is in order. In this series we share slices of life in Waco that capture the joie de vive of this very special place. The latest image comes to us from the mailbox at Casa de Davis.

The very disturbing image to your left is none other than "Monkey Cuddles," which the advertisement tells us "is not a toy," but "a fine collectible to be enjoyed by adult collectors." WTF, so you're telling me this is some sort of adult novelty? That's sick stuff, man.

D and I nearly freaked when we saw this diapered freak (with "real mohair topknot") staring back from a 4 X 6 postcard. The poor depraved folks over at the "Ashton-Drake Galleries" have obviously been watching Animal Planet and QVC at the same time, while also eating peyote. How else could they have come up with the brilliant idea of marketing a sculpted Baby Sasquatch by mail?

As if "Monkey Cuddles" weren't completely beyond explanation, two more figures are planned in the series. "Monkey Toddles" and "Monkey Nibbles" are coming soon! You can be the first addled retiree on your block to complete the set! I bet Bigfoot gets pissed when he finds out there are pictures of his kids on the internet.

Everyone! I have an important late breaking news announcement.

2008-07-17T16:11:00.003-05:00

Still in full-bore finals mode, but I though it was important for you all to know that Joe Shortsleeve is not a idiomatic pseudonym for an everyman (in the "Johnnny Sixpack" vein). He's a real freakin' guy in Boston!

Equitable Partition of Defamatory Comparative Replevin for a Cow

2008-07-14T14:18:00.012-05:00

Is it just me, or are things starting to run together as the quarter winds down? I think there's a market for new study aid, "Mega-CrunchTime". When you've got exams and memo projects in five different subjects, Mega-CrunchTime will help you study for or write them all. Crim Law is out of the way at least, but consider the following hypothetical:

"Old MacDonald had a farm, and on that farm he had a cow named Bossy. To be more precise, on that farm he had a 4/9ths undivided interest in a cow named Bossy that he inherited from his Grandfather, Very Old MacDonald. His sister and brother held the other 5/9ths, but had leased their shares to Old MacDonald. One day, a Mr. [Insert name from your professor's s favorite TV show] came to call, and asked if he might buy Bossy for twopence and a farthing. Knowing a good deal when he sees it, Old MacDonald agreed, and told the buyer he could pick up Bossy in a fortnight.

But the very next night, Bossy escaped from her barn and gored a young neighbor child to death. In the issuing lawsuit, Old MacDonald was found 35% at fault and was ordered to recompense the bereaved family with a 2/9ths interest in the cow. After the fortnight had past, Mr. [Insert name from your professor's s favorite TV show] arrived to pick up his cow. Old MacDonald told him the sad news about the neighbor, and apologized that he could not in good faith sell a cow of which he only owned 2/9ths. Enraged, the buyer asked if he would have gone through with the sale when he had only 4/9ths. Cowed and ashamed, Old MacDonald confessed that he would have.

Seeking to get even, Mr. [Insert name from your professor's s favorite TV show] went right home and wrote a letter to the Metropolitan Morning News about what a crumblebum salesman that Old MacDonald was, and advising readers not to buy from his farm. The News ran the letter, and MacDonald's agri-business has completely collapsed as a result . After dashing off his note to the paper, Mr. [Insert name from your professor's s favorite TV show] filed suit seeking replevin of his cow. The magistrate ordered Bossy partitioned into 1/9th bits and equitably distributed among the parties, with tripe and tongue evenly divided.

You represent the Union of Beefeaters before the Queens Bench at the 1895 Windsor Winter Assizes. Obviously, the common law of Zaire applies. Question: How much is twopence and a farthing in American dollars?"

Unrelated musings: Understanding is like matter. You gather it up and roll it together, and it all seems to blend into a big blob of general comprehension, and then BLAM! You've hit critical mass and the whole thing blows apart in your hands. But now, as you go about gathering up your understanding again, you know better how to fit it back together again. This time around you have room to fit in more understanding, and the BLAM! Dammit, it blew up again. The cycle repeats. But eventually, after many, many explosions, you gather enough idea matter together that instead of fissioning all over you, it fuses, and you end up with a big pulsing star of pure cognitive energy. Maybe I don't have my physics straight, but that's how I see it. (Discussion for another time: Why I think our collective reasoning works the same way. Preview: How many re-"discoveries" have we made in the last 100 years alone?)

So with 1.2 quarters of exams out of the way, my full comprehension of the big picture material is floating somewhere between the gathering and the explosion. I can just make out the big picture, but the image is still pretty fuzzy. I've had quite a few mini-novas trying to combine "the law" and "the real world," but as evidence by the hypo above, I feel like things are running together again. Where are you, August?

Theo-Thursday: Bears? Now you've endangered the whole of Christendom!

2008-07-10T08:54:00.009-05:00

I'm no theologian, but like many modern Christians, I see the importance of giving our ancient dogmas and traditions some concerted thought every now and again. The Church of England's recent decision to move toward the ordination of lady bishops has raised an issue in my mind that I thought long settled.

As you can see at the bottom of this post, I had more musings on this topic than I thought, but it all comes down to one of my most basic beliefs: the priesthood of all believers. If Christ came to give his salvation to everyone, and to be our sole mediator and intercessor with God, why do we even have priests/ministers/pastors? The Catholic, Orthodox, and many Anglican traditions believe that they serve as additional mediators, and may even grant the absolution of sin in Christ's name. Doesn't this seem anti-thetical to "No man cometh to the Father, but by me?" (John 14:6) So to me (to put it irreverently) the priesthood/ministry seems more like a holy bureaucracy making sure that everyone "gets the memo" about their salvation. That was the great commission, not, "ya'll stay here and do my job until I get back."

So what's the big deal about woman priests and bishops? As Ron Burgundy taught us, their menses do not attract bears. But the major role the ministry plays is temporal leadership along with the spiritual. And a lot of folks still buck under the idea of female leadership. Why? Historical inertia, sure, but also some pretty awful representations by our lady friends. Think about it--like other "progressive" movements, the drive to ordain women started on the outer fringe. Is it surprising, then, that the first female primate in the Anglican Church is this dingbat? I mean come on, her vestments look like the cover of a "Good News" Bible from 1967. The Right Rev. Oceanographer, Katherine Jeffords Schiori, is one of the most left-wing clerics alive, besides one of the most fringe in orthodoxy. Here appointment, like that of many female priests, was an obvious dig at the mainstream by folks at the outer edges of reason. Is is suprising that these appointments would be devisive?

Thoughts, compatriots? And yes, I should have been working on other, school-related things instead of typing this.

Some earlier ramblings:

I grew up in an evangelical church, where tradition strongly dictated that a woman should not be in a place of leadership over a man. Conservative protestants, Roman Catholics, and orthodox Christians of all flavors make strong biblical arguments for this, including: 1) God chose to that his son should be incarnated as a male; 2) the twelve apostles were all male; 3) Mary, for example, was an obviously important woman to the faith, but was not called to leadership; 4)tradition is the way our faith has been preserved through the centuries, and it dictates only the ordination of men.

I find these and similar arguments unpersuasive. The more I consider them, the more obvious it becomes that they are ex post facto justifications for a social phenomenon, not a spiritual one. Of course men were going to be leaders in the early church, and of course they are leaders in the church now. The same is true of almost every other human institution on the planet. And judging by the flaws in the earthly church, we can't deny that it is a human (if divinely inspired) institution.

Almost every argument I've ever heard against the ordination of women finds its roots in tradition. Either "that's the way Jesus did it," or, "that's the way we've always done it." We are certainly called to live by Christ's example, but we honestly don't know why Jesus chose who he chose as his disciples. I've heard at least 10 sermons on the calling of the apostles, but not one ever postulated that Jesus chose them because they were male. You only hear that in the context of the issue at hand. Maybe this choice reflected practical considerations, like when he water to wine for the wedding at Cana because the bride hired the wrong caterer and they ran out. In 30 A.D. Israel, I imagine it'd be pretty tough to preach holiness while traveling in a large co-ed group.

This said, we must recognize that ALL of Christ's actions had significance, whether or not we understand what that significance may be. So it's the disciple argument is a fair one. But what of continuing Church tradition? I must admit that I'm a traditionalist to a fault. But I must also admit that this traditionalism usually stems from a desire to fulfill a perceived deficiency. I don't know much about my family history before 1900, so I like to read about families that can trace theirs back 1000 years and use coats of arms. America is rather short on pomp and ceremony, so I enjoy learning about old English customs, formalities, and legal oddities. The same is often true, I think, in the church. Our ceremony and tradition is a rubric, a way to recall and flesh out the understanding we lack of very mysterious things. But in this it is a means to an end, not the other way around. We have to be able to distinguish tradition from the faith it is built around and supports. So, "that's the way we've always done it," by itself, simply isn't enough.

A Map of the Future

2008-07-08T08:51:00.003-05:00

I was working on putting my '08 presidential match-up into graphic form, and then I saw that RCP's got a great widget that let's you play with their numbers and create your own electoral map. Here's how I think things stand now (this link will bring up the default map--on the red row under the title, click "Your Electoral Map" to see my picks): http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/maps/obama_vs_mccain_custom/?map=1&save=3-4-3-3-1-2-1-1-1-3-4-1-3-1-5-2-3-3-4-2-1-1-2-2-4-5-4-3-2-2-2-2-1-4-3-5-3-2-2-1-3-3-3-4-3-1-5-2-3-2-3

Despite guys like Novak arguing that Johnny's still viable in many close states, I don't think there's much hope. Only a very few states remain true "toss-ups," and out of those even fewer are competitive. With the possible exception of Indiana, I think everything I don't have filled on the map will end up in Obama's column.

What are the implications here? Just what we already know--so far Obama's doing a better job picking up the working class folks in middle America. Especially in places like Ohio and Pennsylvania, were McCain was supposed to be able to woo away Hillary voters. The bottom line is people don't like to hear the (politically deadly) truth--their jobs are never coming back form China, gas will never be cheap again (although we can slow the bleeding), and tax breaks for the investment class are great for the country on the macro-scale even if they suck on the micro-scale.

I'm already making plans to drown my sorrows November 4. Come one, come all to Casa de Davis, to cheer or jeer or just make merry. Details to follow in the coming months.

EDIT: That link can be screwy, so here's a screen capture of my map. If you send me the link to your map I'll post it as well.

Hammocks, Horseshoes, and Dinosaurs?

2008-07-07T10:02:00.006-05:00

I can't tell ya'll how excited I am about August. Not just because exams will be over, but because D and I are headed back east to stay with DC friends in a great old riverhouse on Mobjack Bay (a southern arm of the Chesapeake). Nothing but hammocks, horseshoes, and tall drinks for a weekend. Eat that, outlining!

This crew of friends in awesome, too. One of our more legendary adventures with them was an expedition to Dinosaur Land (a real place!). For better or worse, we just happened to film the whole escapade. Everyone took the footage home and created their own short movies, which we screened at last year's Riverhouse rendezvous. Here's mine:

Freedom Friday: Where's YOUR Lapel Pin?

2008-07-04T10:14:00.008-05:00

Happy Independence Day to one and all! Very quick and simple question this morning: Are you proud to be an American?

If you were in a foreign city today, and (since you probably left your lapel pin at home) a stranger asked if you were American, how would you reply? Would you fess up to it, or pretend to be Canadian? Would you say "Yes," but spend the next six sentences qualifying your answer with apologies?

"Patriot" may be an overblown buzzword today, and maybe we place too much emphasis flag pins and the like, but don't lose the forest for the trees. We live in the greatest nation on earth, and enjoy freedoms bought and paid for by the blood of true patriots. Maybe this is what you could tell a stranger abroad, right before you play him some Lee Greenwood and Bruce Springsteen songs. Or let the Muppets explain for you:

Say what now?

2008-07-03T11:00:00.012-05:00

The Commodore has been reviewing the Contracts I exams with us in class, and overall I've gained more confidence in my exam writing and organization. Definitely still need some tweaks, though. but by far the best part of the review is reading some of the awful spelling errors peple made (surely myself included) in their haste to discuss 18 contracts between 1000 parties within 3 hours. It's a highly forgivable sin, given the time pressure and lack of spellcheck. Here are a few of my favorites:

"Goverende" intended to be "governed." Sounds like a total Bushism, filler for when he doesn't know a foreign dignitary's title. E.g., "I met last week with Goverende Rodriguez of Nuevo Leon, heh heh. He makes some very bueno guacamole."

"Aong," intended to be "along." I imagine this is the guy whose job it was to ring the big gong when Chinese emperors walked into the room. Since those things are loud, I also imagine it was very hard to cover a mistake like ringing it early, and a lot of good aongs were probably summarily executed, E.g., "The aong bonged the gong wrong."

"Peculira," intended to be "peculiar." This is what you said to an Italian cabbie if you couldn't make the fare, before the Euro displaced the lira. E.g. "Mi scusi, driver di carrozza, io soltanto hanno peculira."

"Onkey Miland," intended to be "Monkey Island." Spoken by the Commodore. This is the kind of name they'd use for Opie or The Beaver's kind of chubby, slow friend whose dad is probably dead. E.g., "Did you hear that poor Onkey Miland got held back again? If only he had a father figure in his life."

F*Tard Monday?: Predatory Hope

2008-06-30T09:55:00.004-05:00

Well, better late than never, I always say. Here's something I've wondered aloud about, and I'd like to get some perspective from the readership. I was driving in a particularly impoverished area of Waco last week, and saw a disproportionate number of yard signs as compared to the rest of this Democrat-leaning town. Granted, it was also a predominantly black neighborhood, but it got me to thinking that maybe the Hope rhetoric isn't as much harmless bluster as is predatory and misleading.

Like "change," politicians on both sides have been using this stuff forever. Reagan famously asked Americans if they were better or worse off after 4 years of Jimmy Carter, obviously intimating that they'd be much better off with him as president. But Obama goes one step further, he makes broad promises that give hope to those Americans who need it most, but he can't possibly deliver on them. His victory speech was something like "today is the day we began to care for all the sick, and the level of the oceans began to fall..."

Even putting those two outrageous claims aside, what right does Obama have to tell a "working poor" single mother that he's personally going to make sure she's OK? His brand of politics fills his supporters with grand hope for not just the country's future, but their own. But he can't possibly fulfill these hopes. And does he say, "Now, the president has limited direct power over the economy, but I'll appoint the regulators and propose the stimulus that can keep America strong?" No, he stands up there and makes impossible promises about steel and textile jobs coming back from China, and foreclosures magically disappearing, a chicken in every pot, and we'll stick it to the "rich" so the poor never have to pay taxes again.

Am I the only one that finds something wrong with this? I'll be honest, this campaign (as evidenced by the poster above) is getting into a very weird kind of messianic territory that I don't like. This is the kind of treatment folks don't normally get until they've made their accomplishments and died (MLK, JFK, Reagan, FDR).

News Flashes: The McCains, John Wayne, and [Commodore] Ackbar

2008-06-26T16:19:00.009-05:00

Breaking news items that have elicited my notice and two cents worth:

Cindy McCain: Diana is my inspiration...

Drudge tells us that my wife is Cindy McCain's rock, and where she really got the controversial cookie recipe. Unless she's talking about a different Diana...

McCain 'works from home' on the weekends...

This is probably the most tangible aspect of Johnny Mac's age issue so far. He's not doing the big events on weekends, and his campaign says he spends the time "resting" and "boning up on policy." The old codger is doing the same thing we all do when we "work from home"...sleeping and playing video games. (I'm looking at you, Miami breach front telecommuter--other than poker money, I've yet to see evidence that you even have a job anymore.) BTW, I've totally sat in that chair in the photo. It's in the Senate Print Gallery.

Mexicans are 'buying Texas back'...

Apparently agents are selling lots of foreclosed homes in Texas to Mexican nationals. Ok, interesting trend, but this Bloomberg piece paints a picture of a few hundred lots in suburbia undoing the Alamo and San Jacinto, not to mention the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo that got the US the rest of what God intended it to posses. The destiny is already manifest, homes, you can't get that shiznit back. Plus we've got John Wayne.

The Commodore Does Not Breathe!

BLS students and faculty have long suspected that the Commodore was not human, but perhaps some sort of space alien with a computer brain fueled by Pepsi Max. New evidence has arisen today that may cast this suspicion into the realm of fact. While trying to disperse a lengthy session of the Reverend's class, the Commodore queried aloud, "Why is there air?" This seems a clear reference to his alien computer brain's inability to calculate a need for humans to breathe air, while he does not. Clearly only a denizen of the furthest reaches of space would wonder at the purpose of air. Or, a whacked out flower child from the Troubled Times. Perhaps the Commodore's flotilla includes galactic cruisers or Star Destroyers, and not just a few earthly vehicles? Contracts are a trap!

Nominal Considerations

2008-06-23T21:50:00.002-05:00

I've been impressed with my classmates' creative abilities in the short time I've known them. Doubly so for those in the blogosphere. So I can't help but be disappointed that the best pseudonyms they've come up with for our instructors are "Prof. CivPro" and "Prof. K." To remedy this shortcoming, comrades, I humbly suggest the following nomenclature for the professors we've had thus far. Thoughts?

The Commodore- This is the only title befitting a man who relishes any case ruled upon by His Excellency the Lord Chancellor of England, and commands his own fleet of BMWs. Unfortunately, this “fleet” of three really only qualifies as a flotilla. Thus our learned prof is properly styled a Commodore and not an Admiral. I will admit extrinsic evidence indicating a more substantial force, to include Bathtub-class vessels.

Mr. Smith- When this professor speaks, one can’t help but feel pangs of sympathy for those poor Boy Rangers about to lose their Willit Creek campground to graft. Ok, maybe he’s not Jefferson Smith, but this man’s straightforward yet deeply knowledgeable lectures do Jimmy Stewart proud. Maybe it’s the heartland accent. It’s always a wonderful life in his class, as long as you keep your multiple sufficient causes straight from your alternative liability.

Snape- Expecto Pennoyer! I’ve used this one in past posts, and it’s a fitting analogue. Like Snape, this prof teaches a 1Q subject that’s often overlooked, but absolutely essential. You don’t really know which side he’s on until it’s too late. Just like Snape, he’s an insufferable pain in the ass who turns out to be in your corner. Wish I could have sought a change of venue.

The Fusilier- This isn’t a cop out, just a happy coincidence. In military history, the fusilier was a soldier armed with the fusil, a short flintlock using enclosed tinder and often affixed with a bayonet. The gun was just like the prof—short, to the point, and packing a punch. Historic fusiliers guarded artillery equipment, much like this professor guards her students’ rights to their security deposits.

The Reverend- He claims his father was the preacher in the family, but we all know who got the gift of gab. It’s not his own morality his teaches with all the attendant fire and brimstone, but that of the Immaculate Model Penal Code. I knowingly and intentionally signed up for this class, but recklessly thought we’d finish mens rea by the end of the quarter.

The Architect and The Oracle- Question presented: Under Matrix law, does Neo chose correctly when the Architect assigns a wide-open research memo? Thus choosing, does Neo’s argument prevail vis-à-vis residential tenancy statutes? Ergo, this professor’s alter ego, the master logician who ensnares even the cleverest minds in his IRACnid web. The Oracle sees all and knows all in the Baylor Law Library. He shows the way to meet the Architect’s logic blow-for-blow, and offers a path to true understanding of all legal knowledge. Will you chose the Bluebook, and go home, or the Redbook, and see how far the rabbit hole goes?

The Pirklator- Nothing gets your morning going right like a cup of joe and a big pile of punative damages. Sure, we don't count as billable hours, but even at 8am this adjunct's giving it his all.

F*Tard Friday: You don't know jack!

2008-06-20T10:40:00.005-05:00

I'm a little disappointed that most of the blood and guts stayed off the record last week. I'm just going to have to be more inflammatory. In that spirit, I'll just come out and type what I've been saying for months. Barrack--just because you talk good doesn't mean you know crap about the government (to paraphrase South Park).

Listen, presidential candidates have been running on the "change" platform since Thomas Jefferson's bout with Adams in 1800. And the only reason Adams didn't in 1796 is that his predecessor was Saint George Washington. Obama loves to tell us how great life will be with him in charge, but he can't articulate anything like a workable agenda. "Step 1: Win Presidency. Step 2: ... Step 3: Change we can believe it!" This doctored image puts it more aptly: "Change we refuse to define."

Potential recession, energy crisis, inadequate health care, an ascendant Iran--Obama's answer to all these problems is hope. Me too, I hope he frickin' does something to demonstrate that he at least comprehends these issues, much less knows how to confront them. This isn't a Republican rant. McCain's got to step up to the plate in a lot of ways, too. But he's got experience formulating sound centrist policy, and that makes me think he'd be better at implementing it. For all it's evils, government is a game you have to know to win. Not just for your legacy, but for all the folks that want to draw a social security check, or who depend on solid national defense. Obama's a damn fine politician, and an inspiring man, but he's yet to prove that he can run a lemonade stand, much less a country.

Thoughts?

F*Tard Friday: Presidential Politics

2008-06-13T11:54:00.007-05:00

We're proud to announce a new regular feature here at Self-Infliction: F*Tard Fridays!! Realizing that life is always more fun with controversy, the management has decided to open this space to rational discourse on some of the day's most interesting topics. Yes, that means politics. Taking the Razor's cue (because most people act like f*tards when they espouse a view out of convenience or pure ideology) the bloodshed will be limited to only one glorious day each week. Let slip the dogs of war!

This week's topic: Presidential Politics

Who do you like, fellow blogophiles, and why? Do we need to wartime consigliere, or a hopeful youth? The historic idealist, or the stalwart pragmatist? Are the winds of change blowing, or are we in the doldrums? I'm expecting some heavy blows with this crowd, so get to it!

Jerusalem on the Brazos

2008-06-10T22:15:00.001-05:00

Only the most learned historians know a deep secret of Texas' past. Fortunately for you readers, I am such an historian. The year was 1187, and Saladin, mighty sultan of Egypt, had just decimated the knights of the Kingdom of Jerusalem at the Battle of Hattin. Muslim forces had recaptured the County of Eddessa a few decades before. Now, only Tripoli and Antioch now remained of the many feudal states states the Crusades had carved out of the Levant. After many days of wandering, the few scattered survivors of the battle came together and considered their woesome loss.

The battered warriors were filled with divine zeal, and vowed to recapture the Holy City of Jerusalem in the name of Christianity. As the Templars and Teutons had before them, the small band focused their efforts into the creation of a military order. They called their society "Bracchium Deo," or "The Arms of God."

This new clan soon set about their goal, and launched a brave attack against the Saracen horde. The were immediately defeated, and hung from the city walls by their ankles.

Only an even smaller band of knights, probably two or three, had thought the better of attacking a fortified city on foot, and with an army of only a dozen. These men narrowly escaped their brothers' cruel fate, but still burned with a holy fire to see Zion built by mortal hands. They knelt in prayer, and offered up lamentations to God for forty days, and forty nights. Not all in a row, that would have been really hard. They took some breaks to go to work and stuff.

But late on the fortieth day (probably), the devout warriors lifted their heads up from the dust, and were given a vision of a burning disc low in the western sky. The remaining Braccium Deo knew at that moment that their fate lay far to the west, in God's Country. But, blinded by their glorious vision, they took several hours to figure out which way was west. After a helpful washerwoman pointed them in the right direction, the brothers set forth across the sea in a small coracle they filched.

Sadly, the effects of the shining vision had not yet worn off, and none of the sun-addled, half-blind Crusaders knew how to steer a coracle. So they spent another forty days and forty nights tossed about on the waves of fortune, bound for wherest God would lead them. By the thirty-fifth day, all but one of the knights had perished, either from a maddening thirst, or at the hands of a knight driven mad by thirst. Finally the sole surviving Braccium Deo brother was cast up on the shores of a beautiful land, and gazed out over verdant plains, fresh streams, and a tribe of ravenous cannibals. Yikes. Seriously, there were some cannibals.

After narrowly escaping peril by running inland tirelessly for forty days and forty nights (for real, that's how long it was), the last Crusader could go no further. He had miraculously survived the clash of war, the throes of a brutal sea, and the smacking lips of cannibals. Now crippled by thirst and fatigue, his journey seemed at an end. But then our knight heard an angelic voice.

"Brother Balatro," it said, for that was the knight's name. "Brother Balatro, thy quest is at an end. Rise up, faithful knight, and look upon the bounty I hast prepared for thee."

There, flowing peacefully across a rich plain, lay the most beautiful river the knight had ever seen. He leapt up, and ran to it with fervor. He drank deep of its holy waters, and languished in its cool embrace. His thirst quenched and his soul satisfied, the knight shouted out for to hear: "Here I shall build Jerusalem anew, and I shall call this divine river the Arms of God, in praise of the Almighty who hast delivered me, and in honor of my perished brothers." Later explorers came to know the river by this name in Spanish, "Brazos del Dios." Many years later, a university was founded along its banks, and called Baylor in memory of the brave Brother Balatro.

Meanwhile, a passing band of Indians had noticed Brother Balatro splashing about. They therefore called that place on the river "Huaco," which meant in their tongue, "one touched in the head, a crazy person." Today, we know this place as Waco, Jerusalem on the Brazos.

I Are A Pundit!

2008-06-07T13:20:00.006-05:00

Apologies for the delay in posting, but I've been saving up for something special. After years of writing for somebody else, I'm proud to say that my own name is finally in print! I don't think many self-infliction readers subscribe to the Waco Trib, but if you do, you likely saw this well crafted piece in today's Opinion section: Un-Democratic Nomination. In the interest of congeniality, I've been trying to keep politics off the blog. But just try to keep me quiet in the paper! Here's the text of the column, albeit with some Trib-supplied edits for space:

Un-Democratic nomination

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. famously observed that “hard cases make bad law.”

Given the opportunity, Holmes might have said that “tight races make bad politics.” Florida 2000 is a prime example.

But rather than avoid close contests, the Democratic Party has actively encouraged costly and conflict-ridden primaries.

Now, at the primaries’ end, the Democrats are reaping what they’ve sown: the bitter fruits of a divisive nomination process.

Pundits seem eager to blame Hillary Rodham Clinton for the long primary season and for refusing to concede throughout to Barack Obama.

The real culprit is a nomination process that promotes close calls. The root problem is well-intentioned but counterproductive proportional elections.

These aim to divide up each state’s delegates as “fairly” as possible. They work well enough with more than two candidates in the field. But when you start tallying up results from a number of evenly matched, head-to-head primaries, you’re going to get (big surprise) a too-close-to-call national race.

The winner-take-all system Republicans use has its own drawbacks. But this is politics. There’s got to be a winner at some point.

The Democrats need to trust what Mama taught them, and tear the Band-Aid off quickly. It only hurts more to draw out the inevitable.

The Democrats’ nomination often hinges on a bizarre and arbitrary calculus. A candidate must secure 2,117 out of 4,233 delegates to win the nomination. But nearly a fifth of these available decision makers — superdelegates not directly accountable to anyone — get to keep their choices secret until it’s too late to matter.

An unpledged superdelegate watches the internecine strife from a safe perch, then swoops into to the convention to stand in farcical solidarity with the rank-and-file.

The “People’s Party” created the superdelegate system to dilute party leaders’ influence. But this election has shown that it yields 794 political cowards who frustrate the democratic process.

Perhaps the most divisive and nonsensical factor in this year’s race was the DNC Rules and Bylaws Committee ruling on the Florida and Michigan delegations. Committee members have their own political agendas — some are superdelegates — and their own special interests to represent. To avoid the obvious appearance of blatant and palpable impropriety, the committee took Solomon at his word and split the baby. It awarded half of each state’s delegates to Clinton, and half to Obama.

This equivocation rewarded Obama with free delegates from Michigan — where he wasn’t even on the ballot — and deprived Clinton of votes she won fairly in Florida.

From this debacle the Democrats should learn to keep such vital decisions away from powerbrokers, and vest them safely in the electorate.

The Democrats must learn the lessons of this spring’s long and expensive contest, or continue to enter general elections fatally divided, and with a badly wounded nominee.

Jesse Davis, a law student at Baylor University, is a former communications aide to Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison.

The Choice of Law Analysis

2008-05-23T15:07:00.007-05:00

Barely 1.22 quarters into law school, I'm already wrangling some tough professional choices. Primarily, what the hell I'm going to DO when I get out of here. A wise reader would counsel that I'm years away from needing to specialize, that a law school specialization doesn't have too much bearing on real-world employment, and that young lawyers switch practice areas all the time. And I would tell that reader to shut up and leave me alone, their advice is horrible. The way I see it, everything here is a step toward a professional life--a professional life I want to kick ass in. So what good does it do me to sit back and enjoy the ride, without some kind of rational goal in mind? And with a long August break and OCI's coming up, it's really none too soon to start thinking about my future practice.

I'm almost positive I want to do litigation. I think I've got a knack for logic and advocacy, and it's what I enjoy. So I've got that going for me, which is nice. But that determination is just the beginning. It's like saying, "Well, I'm pretty sure I want to be a professional athlete, now I just need to pick the MLB or NBA." (My excellent sports simile aside, don't pick me for your baseball or basketball team--you'll be disappointed)

I came to school with criminal law in mind, mainly due to some thinly disguised political aspirations and a general desire to see justice done. I'm sure a lack of knowledge about other practice areas was a part of it, too. I suppose I thought that once I got here and waded in, an angelic hand clothed in shining samite would reach through the mist, lightly touch my forehead, and divinely reveal my future career. Well, either the weird angel thing would happen or a great professor would give me a real love of their subject. The problem is, all my professors are talented, and I enjoy the material in all of my classes. And anyway, this is my decision, and shouldn't really reflect how good or interesting a professor was. So my universe of choices has expanded quite a bit as I delve into other areas.

So far I've got two solid contenders. Criminal law is still big for me, because it's hugely important to our society, and I've got some limited (but very positive) experience with it. But property law has kind of crept up. My grandparents had rental property and businesses as I was growing up, so I was always exposed to it. "Rent's due on the first" was a great truth I learned early on, right alongside "God is Good" and "Don't touch that, its hot." Whatever I go into, I'll probably have property on the side, so it'd be a natural area of practice. And believe it or not, I kind of get a kick out of it. One of my very favorite websites for a long time was the Denton County Central Appraisal District database. Is a normal person supposed to like digging through tax records, comparing random property values, and thinking about how his town is zoned? Maybe my odd sort of hobby and family legacy could be a career.

I can't pretend money's not a factor, either. A prosecutor does just fine, but it's tough to have a lake house and boat on that salary. Not to mention the fact that every time I see a disused piece of property, I've immediately got a hundred investment ideas for it. That stuff takes capital, so maybe this is another check in the property column. And the money's not just about me. Diana and I want kids, and we want them to be comfortable. And we want to give back, to our church, school, and community at large. Obviously the more you have the more you can give. I'm not even going to mention paying back loans, many because I don't want to think about how my school debt is likely to be more than our first two mortgages combined.

There is some time to think about these things, but it's running out faster than you might think. Maybe in August I'll volunteer for a firm or office that specializes in whatever I'm leaning away from at the time. That way I can either give that option a fighting chance, or put the final nail in its coffin. I've got places to go, folks, and no time to waste.

EDIT: As one of my more astute colleagues has pointed out, no, prosecution is not the only pursuit available in criminal law. It's just the opinion I happen to be looking at. All due respect to the defense bar.

The Culture of Ownership

2008-05-15T08:06:00.003-05:00

As anyone who has recently suffered through a conversation with me can tell you, Diana and I just moved into our new house. And I tell you what, I'm feeling downright patriotic about the whole thing. It might be the twenty-foot flagpole a previous owner installed out front, but I think there's more to it. Like, I don't know, Ward Cleaver.

The post-modernists made a big flap about the fifties, what I like to think of as the mullet decade. Business up front (a very straight-laced and even-keeled facade, economic prosperity), party in the back (Jack Kerouac, the beatniks, the Korean war, Bing Crosby beat his kids, and all those nasty little blips). And good TV folks like the Cleavers personified the business side of things, often disregarding reality to the point of ridiculousness. Ward Cleaver, in particular, was a god among men. A walking, talking American dream, leading his 2.5 kids (the dog had to count for something) boldly onward toward the promise and majesty of the American century. Sure the Cleavers and their ilk were a farce, a patent misrepresentation of middle America and a blatant disenfranchisement of the lower class. But it was a damn fine ideal, and it gave ya' something to believe in. And boy did we stick it to those commies. (let's just forget Southeast Asia)

More recently, when times were a bit more prosperous, the Bush administration tried to recapture some of the "American Dream" sentiment that served to placate the masses so well in the fifties and early sixties. The watch-words this time were "Culture of Ownership," and conjured up images of 200 million Ward Cleavers sitting in the den of their own home, smoking a pipe and reading the evening news. There are plenty of logical arguments for buying a house, like the tax break and excellent performance as a savings vehicle. But there's a power in the "Dream" rhetoric that reaches beyond all that, and I'm falling for it.

There's something primally satisfying (maybe primarily for men) about owning territory and carving out a place for your family to live. Sure our family is the two of us, two dogs, cat, a fish, and a guinea pig, but the idea's the same. A man's home is his castle, someone once said, and I'm diggin' it. Every splash of paint and every leaf of grass snipped is a "barbaric yawp" proclaiming my dominion. Every gutter cleaned or rosebush pruned is a bit of American pride shining bright into the gloom that those in other countries must live under. Again, like the fifties TV personalities, it's ridiculous to the point of comedy, but damn what a fine ideal.

I'm not going to get into the politics of class disparity in our country, but is there anything better than self-motivated, self-aggrandizing ownership to get things moving? I've lived in poverty--there's being poor and there's living poor. If you don't believe me, just take a drive through the poorest neighborhood you know, and see the difference from house to house. Some folks take pride in whatever meager things they have, and that pride radiates out in how they present their home. Mown lawns, no trash in the yard, all of that. Other folks get a nice letter from the city about how their lawn is so high, it's going to be mown for them for $50 they can't afford. Ownership, for all its vague moral evils, really gets the ball down the field. Ward knew what I'm talking about.

SFW: Hocus Pocus

2008-04-22T09:38:00.004-05:00

In light of my current time constraints, and to at least maintain the pretense that I'm studying as much as I should be for finals, today's post will be short and sweet. But that's ok, because it's another wonderful installment in our occasional series, Scenes From Waco. Unfortunately, this pic and commentary may reinforce the misconception that this blog is overly focused on the arcane and mysterious. Make a few Harry Potter references at a Baptist school, and suddenly everybody thinks you worship at Hecate's dark altar. Maybe I keep those goats for the ag tax exemption, you judgmental son-of-a-gun. So chew on this:

Those readers familiar with the Baylor campus will recognize this as the tower of the Truett Seminary building. It's a fine institution, and a magnificent edifice. But I think they could have taken a bit more care in the design. Atop the dome is a (presumably brass or gold leaf) representation of Truett's logo, a stylized cross with a flame. But if you're new to campus, as I was when I first saw this, it looks alot more like a demonic rune from page 666 of the Necronomicon. Or at least the model for the tattoo that weird goth girl in high school had. I'm pretty sure she was actually a witch. And not like a Barnes & Noble spirituality section guide to world religions witch. Like she actually cooked children into gingerbread at her forest cottage.

Adding to the"Salem flair," the Bible verse under the clock gives passing students a helpful admonition: "The Night Cometh." (John 9:4). Why, thank you Truett Seminary, it's good to know that at least somebody's optimistic about the state of affairs today. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable, theologically sound purpose for emblazoning such a thing on the walls of a seminary (you know, like do God's work today, because you may not be able to tomorrow). But seriously, considering the freaky logo, and the fact that the school's already named after Bay-lor, lord of beasts and devourer of souls, maybe something cheery, and more appropriate to an academic environment. Like "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" (Mark 15:34) I know the law students would appreciate the honesty.

Judgment Day

2008-04-15T15:53:00.006-05:00

Prof. Contracts has a fun little moniker for our final exam: Judgment Day. His propensity for over-the-top Biblical references aside (breaching parties are Satan, right?), its a pretty good analogy. A day of reckoning, when all your bad decisions ("Nah, that won't be on the test.") are weighed against the good ("No, I shouldn't do three Jagerbombs on a Tuesday night."), and a net result is tabulated. But, ceteris paribus, exams aren't really the Judgment Day I'd been dreading.

At least with exams, if I flubbed completely, I wouldn't have to tell anybody. I could sit there in the exam room, stare blankly at the page, and weep silently. After grades came out, I'd change the subject when someone asked what mine were, and tell no one but Diana. I'd have to sleep out in the yard for a while, but hopefully summer nights are temperate in Waco. Trust me, I'm running ragged every day to make sure I don't have to find out. No, the reckoning I've been waiting for hit today in Civ Pro.

Brief Aside: Performance in Civ Pro is outcome-determinative in the case of Men v. Boys. If you screw up something you should have known, Prof. Snape will rip out your heart and consume it in front of you. Its a hell of a good pedagogical practice, and encourages mastery of a topic. But the thing that makes it so tough is the audience. All your classmates watching, waiting to see what kind of humorous example Snape makes of out your lack of preparedness. All the people you've spent the quarter trying to impress with deep knowledge or superior understanding are right there, judging. I'm not afraid of pubic speaking, and I could care less what most people think of me, so that's not this issue. It's just that this is what I'm supposed to know, what I'm supposed to me conversant in for the rest of my professional life, and these are the people I'm supposed to converse with. It's a little stressful.

Today's class started off light-heatedly. Snape asked about the upcoming SBA elections and who was running for office. I thought he was just curious, so of course I raised my hand and said that I was running for ABA Representative. He kind of squinted at me for a second, and then said, "Oh yeah, you're the outstanding human being." Of all the obscure bits of comedy I put on my campaign posters, that's not the bullet point I expected to bite me later. So he ribbed me a bit about modesty, made fun of Chuck Norris (who endorsed my candidacy), and moved on to the material. I thought it was over, but no. He took the class into the student lounge to use the ping-pong table for a demonstration, and immediately called on me to illustrate his point and discuss the day's case. Being a devout follower of Murphy's law, I had accidentally left my case brief back in the classroom. And of course, that prompted a "Mr. Outstanding Human Being" comment, the first of many over the rest of the hour.

I guess I did OK going off book, but he asked me like two fact questions, and then lectured for 45 minutes. That was it, that was the whole of Judgment Day. Half of the point is that I'm also supposed to be able to judge how well I did, but wasn't much to go on today. How am supposed to know if I passed muster based on only two questions about the case? I got off easy, and somehow that makes me more uneasy. I'm glad I got some laughs out of my posters, but it wasn't exactly my time to shine. Oh well, with my luck Snape will read this and make me explain res judicata in painful detail on Thursday.

SFW: "Yes, but at what price?"

2008-04-12T10:07:00.004-05:00

I have a new concept I think you'll enjoy. I call it "Scenes From Waco: An Occasional Series." Now, I'm a small town guy myself, so I know how wacky things can get out in the hinter land. But Waco's got a flavor you've got to experience to believe. I think you know where I'm coming from. To share this unique je ne sais quoi with the outside world, every so often I'll post a photo of a memorable scene from somewhere around town. Submissions are encouraged! Here's your first taste:

Wow. If only the dude running this Valley Mills establishment knew how offensive his sign was, in light of certain stereotypes. But at what price, EZ Money Pawn Shop, at what terrible price?

What am I whining about?

2008-04-10T21:24:00.009-05:00

It occurred to be that if I'm going to complain in my profile about the difficulties of buying a house and raising hellion dogs, I ought to at least give the reader an idea of what I'm talking about. So, in that vein, here are pictures of both the house we're buying, and the little demons.

This photo's a few weeks old, but that's Rufus on the left, and Sandy on the right. He looks kind of stoned (he's not), and she looks kind of tweaked (who knows, maybe she got into something). Actually, the noise of the camera had just woken them up, and these are apparently their morning faces. Don't let the docile pose fool you, either. They don't seem to notice that our apartment is only 600 square feet when they're tearing around it at 90mph. Is it in poor taste that the last post was about dog being gunned down in the streets, and now I'm talking about our canine companions?

And here's the house! We close on the 21st, so I'll save the details for a later post. The interior photos I'll put up will be worth the wait. Think Martha Stewart at, oh, 70+. And more crazy. And really into roses. But who wouldn't want to live in a house with it's own flagpole? I checked the yard to see where I could put in a spot light for the flag, and it turns out there were already two there! Wave on, Old Glory! Have no fear, the housewarming party this summer will be legend...wait for it...dary!

RIP, Dakota

2008-04-08T21:44:00.009-05:00

Police brutality! In 1999 (the Torts casebook tells us) a Racine, Wisconsin police officer shot and killed Dakota, dog belonging to a woman named Rabideau. Yes, Rabideau. Apparently the officer thought sweet little Dakota was going to attack him. Sad for the dog and the lady, to be sure, but what happened next was absurd. The woman sued the city for the emotional trauma she experienced by watching her dog get shot. Ok, ok, she was understandably upset, so I guess that's not too bad. But the doctrine she sued under requires that the injury victim be a close relation to the traumatized bystander. As in a blood or marital relation. As in a freaking human being. I guess Rick Santorum was right, if we let this stuff get to far people really will want to marry their household pets.

What really gets me is that the state supreme court reviewed the case, and that our casebook uses it to illustrate a particular point. Surely it's all tongue in cheek, the woman's name being rabid and all.

Lock up your pets, ladies and gentlemen, because this guy is out to get them.

<------------- dog killer

P.S. That pup up there ain't Dakota. That'd be sick if I did have a pic of the actual dog though, right?

P.P.S. It's come to my attention that a compatriot of mine also has a humorous post about our boys in blue: http://clarkdebonair.org/

The Real Inspiration Behind Hogwarts!

2008-04-08T09:09:00.005-05:00

You may not expect to find connections between JK Rowling's witchcraft books and a Southern Baptist university, and what I've discovered may startle you. Baylor Law School is the real inspiration for Harry Potter's alma mater, Hogwarts! A stupendous claim, I know, but I offer the following points for those in doubt:

1. Baylor Law, like Hogwarts, has its own castle near a body of water.

2. 1Q Legal Research is taught by one Prof. Quarles. The equivalent Hogwarts class, Defense Against the Dark Arts, is taught by a Prof. Quirrles. A mere change in spelling!

3. The phrase "Ten Points from Gryffindor!" was actually coined by Baylor Prof. Jim Underwood, who still holds the original copyright.

4. The Hogwarts grounds are inhabited by mystical creatures. This is a clear reference to the Baylor Law grounds and its well documented Serr Bear population.

5. The Hogwarts headmaster speaks with the portraits of past headmasters to gain advice. Everyone at Baylor Law knows that Dean Toben talks to the portraits of past Deans after the library closes at night. Why else are they on the same floor as his office?

6. Alan Rickman was selected to play Severus Snape only after Prof. William Jeremy Counseller turned down the job.

7. Some Hogwarts professors had been teaching there for almost a century. Baylor contracts Prof. Larry Bates has this record beat by almost three decades.

7. Hogwarts students strictly avoid interacting with muggles. Obviously Rowling observed the relationship between Baylor law students and undergrads.

8. The game of quiddich is a very thinly veiled reference to Baylor's world-class intramural basketball teams.

9. Sorting Hat? Moot Court break? No further explanation needed.